A (live) Update!

As I have mentioned before, most of my stuff is actually a few weeks old by the time it goes live. But I figured I’d let this new series start on monday so that the math works out cleanly. So to stall out that extra day, I figured I’d give you a live update! Yes, that means that I am writing this on July 13, 2024, and that it has been posted on July 13, 2024 (unless my calendar down here is lying to me!) So without further adieu, here’s a live update in the life of Kraze! 

Life has been alright. I just started a new job as an apprentice plumber. And although this has been my dream job for quite some time, getting started has been rough. Life has a way of shining a light on those dark corners of your mind, exposing those areas where you really need to grow and be heard. But this year has been an adventure of squaring off with my devils, and this new chapter has been no exception. Great fruit has been harvested this last week, but at a great price. I’m tired. I have had enough breaks and pauses that I have managed to keep from collapsing, but I’m encountering a sort of spiritual soreness. 

And that’s alright, it just means that I have trained enough. You know you have had a good spiritual workout when you’re grateful for the break, but fired up to go tackle the next one. That’s a good workout! Though my head’s spinning a little, a fire has been lit inside me. I think the big thing that I have been learning about is the fear of defeat. We often talk about the fear of failure, but not of defeat. I think there’s a big difference between the two. 

Failure is the individual act. Failure is missing that free throw during the big game. Failure is making a right where you were supposed to make a left. Failure is shutting off the wrong water line. All those little things along the way are failures. They’re unpleasant. They sting. They point towards bigger and worse conclusions, like that we won’t make it, that we’re incapable, or that we’re losers. And that leads into something bigger…

DEFEAT!

You see, defeat is permanent, big-picture failure. Defeat is getting kicked from the basketball team, fired from the job, or dumped by your dating partner. Defeat is failure in your life’s direction, and I think that’s what we’re ultimately afraid of. We’re not afraid of just missing the pass or free-throw. We aren’t that scared of turning down the wrong street. We aren’t scared that we will simply deny certain people water for a little bit. We are scared of those little things stacking up, and ultimately kicking us out of the paradise we have found ourselves in. We are scared of being robbed of what we have. And ultimately, we are scared of having the course of our lives changed forever. 

I realized this as I was mulling over some of these new-job jitters. Honestly, this has been the worst jitters I have ever had. I have grown a lot as I have sifted through my thoughts, but I think ultimately they all come from this one root. You see, I examined my thoughts and I hit one thought that tickled me: if things don’t work out in this job, I’ll keep pressing for another apprenticeship. I’ll keep pressing to be a plumber as long as I can, no matter what it takes. This thought comforted me and reassured me that I was on the right path. 

Yet, at the same time, I found this quite strange. If I was comfortable with being fired, what was it I was so scared of? I looked back at all of the times I encountered this job-related fear, and one thing started to become very clear: it was fear of life not turning out like I had hoped. Fear of being caught between a rock and a hard place. And ultimately, fear of being truly stuck, without say as to how my life will continue down its path. 

And when you’re stuck without a say in your own life, what greater defeat is there? That’s permanent defeat if you ask me! To be left without a sporting chance, without hope or the will to drive it. What could be more “big-picture failure” than that? It was today that I realized that this was what I had been dealing with all along. I feared putting in the four years to be a plumber because I didn’t want to be stuck into a permanent life of overtime, over-work and over-exhaustion. I feared being forced to continue with this lifestyle because I needed the money. So I stayed small and safely consistent. 

Things like this have been happening to me all week, as they have been all year. Many of them are (and will be) documented in my series about new beginnings, which will be out in a few weeks. But until then, I figured I’d share this insight with you. It all came about as I was trying to write it and I think someone upstairs has plans for this post. Either way, I hope you really get something out of it, as I really got something out of writing it. I pray for your wellbeing and that you are doing well and growing.

Until next time

May Peace be your guide.