Boundaries?

One thing I will say about growing up on the mission field is that not everyone is normal. I think it’s almost essential to the calling at this point: to be crazy for God, you have to be crazy in general. I have met all kinds of crazies from the super-strict to the super-eccentric. But the one group that always got to me were…how should I describe them? Let’s just say they weren’t too big on personal space. 

For context, I’m a fairly uptight person. I have worked on it a bit, but I still don’t like a lot of the “messiness” of life. I like things neat, tidy and orderly. Before you go jumping to conclusions, I’m not “that guy,” that probably comes to mind when you think of “orderly.” My room could do with some tidying up, I leave my laundry on the drying rack for weeks on end, and don’t even get me started on the kitchen (I have a roommate, so I am blaming him for this one.) 

But I don’t like people touching me, I don’t like loud, disruptive noise, and I don’t like people invading my personal space (I almost miss that part of covid, actually.) But this caused a bit of tension in me growing up. We were missionary’s kids, serving the people of Ukraine. We had to love with reckless abandon, no matter the inconvenience. I always felt torn: I could see people had good hearts, but daggum if they weren’t just plain annoying! I didn’t wish them harm, I just didn’t want to be around them. I was often told that these people cared about me and appreciated me, but I often couldn’t say I felt the same way. How could that be? Could something be wrong? I was never quite sure. 

To be honest, I’m still not sure some days. I’m confused by the fact that people are annoying, yet also very kind, generous, and loving. This confusion is often why I talk of merit, and making sure your good intentions are put to good use. Sometimes you waste perfectly good resources being a pest. I mean, I get it, I’m a pest too. It’s who I am and I love being me, but is it as simple as saying you’re selfish or selfless? Who’s really at fault when a well-meaning person is really annoying? Is it rude and immoral to tell them to go away? Or, perhaps, is there a middle ground somewhere in between? Because, on the one hand, they do mean well. They simply are who they are. On the other hand, so are you. So what’s the solution, here? 

What I often wonder is this: if I met one of these people from growing up, one of the really annoying ones who wasn’t very fun to be around, and did things that they found annoying, how would that go? What if the roles were reversed, where I happened to be the type of person that annoyed them just because of who I was? I mean, I kind of did for some, being the quiet kid and all. I guess that kinda tends to get to people, though it’s not the exact same. But how would that go? Would there be an abundance of prayers for patience, or a handful of people that suddenly stopped popping up as often? And would that truly be wrong? 

I can’t say I have a perfect answer, but we don’t do inconclusive rants here in the keep, so let’s put our knight’s helmet on and figure this one out! I have always flocked to the conclusion that certain personalities just don’t gel. You don’t have to make enemies, but you don’t have to be best buds. You can just be, well, acquaintances. But the rubber meets the road when you’re a kid and you are forced to go to events. We are really digging ourselves a deep pit, aren’t we? 

Ah, there are probably too many specifics to be able to just handwave an answer for you for this one, and I don’t have any kids of my own, so I suppose I don’t have to care either. Cheeky, I know. But the question remains: what do you do when you’re faced with annoying, loving people?

First off, I can’t comfortably say it’s right to ignore that “ick” feeling. I did it for years and now I often have times where I wind up spending way too much time with someone I probably shouldn’t have. Eventually it will bite you in the butt. You can’t ignore that natural discomfort. It also shows a lack of respect for yourself. How are you supposed to “love others as you love yourself,” if you treat yourself like crap? I’m not so sure that’s how it works. 

On the other hand, I’m not a fan of selfishness disguised as self-care. That’s like hiding a brand new truck in a garage, polishing and cleaning it regularly only to have it get no miles. A car was meant to be driven, and driving means putting some wear-and-tear on the thing. It doesn’t mean beating it to a bloody pulp, but it does mean that it will be rough around the edges. You will get stressed, tired, bored and sick of people. They will grind your gears and set off your fears. So where’s the balance? Where do we draw the line and how do we do it?

The first thing we need to consider is how important is this relationship? If this is a family member or spouse, you should go to war to get this fixed. If it’s someone you just met, or is a friend of a friend, you should think and pray about whether or not you’re meant to be the person that makes a difference in their lives. Maybe there’s someone else who would really fit well with them. Maybe you’re meant to help in a different way. There are many things you can do for someone that don’t involve being that person's best buddy. The thing is, if this person really irks you, that will come up one way or another. You won’t be able to hack it for all of time. You just won’t. If this is going to be a long-term friendship, these things will have to come up and differences will need to be accommodated for things to work in the long run. 

Second, I’m not convinced that telling someone to simply hack it isn’t a real answer. At best, you’ll eventually break off when you get the chance, which doesn’t lead to anything good. Brute force won’t work on this one, so you need a creative, insightful way to make things work. Otherwise, you just need to bail. I often tried to suck it up because someone “really liked me.” But sometimes you have to admit that the feeling isn’t mutual. What do you do then? I’d say see how noble their intentions truly are. Next time someone invades your personal space, back up. Tell them when they’re being loud. If they start adapting, congrats! Your problem is solved! If they don’t, then is it worth pressing in to change things? It can take some insight into your situation to determine if it’s worth pressing in. 

Sometimes, people simply are who they are. Even if they are willing to change, they might not be able to, or it might be so tough that it will take time. Are you willing to invest that time? If not, release yourself from feeling responsible for them. If it weighs on you that heavily, find other ways to help them. Help them find other friends, provide for their needs, get creative with it, but don’t pretend there isn’t a problem and sweep it under the rug. Like I said, that won’t get you anywhere in the long run. 

I think it’s important to be honest with yourself and others. If you don’t care about someone as much as they care about you, don’t be a jerk about it no matter what you do. And you know one thing jerks are good at? Lying. Don’t lie to someone about this type of thing. It’s like the person that leads someone on because they’re scared to hurt them with the truth. The truth will come out one way or another, so you may as well control it so that the situation is handled as maturely as possible. Stick to your guns and one day both of you will be happy. If the relationship is worth the effort, then make it work. But don’t expect to cross oceans for someone that won’t cross puddles for you. I hope this finds you well and encourages you to defend your comfort zone in a way that is ethical and betters the lives of everyone around you.

Until next time

May Peace be your guide.