Lord of the Rings: War of the Rohirrim

Some movies are diamonds in the rough, this one’s a rough in the diamond. If there’s anything that’s true of me, it’s that I’m typically pretty generous with my overall verdicts on the movies that I go see. I love going to the movies in general, and nine out of ten times I leave a theater having had a good time.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is that tenth time. 

It’s not that the movie is an all-around horrible experience that angers me so. No, I can enjoy a good trash-movie. The problem is the fact that it shines as radiantly as the sun in certain areas, and falls violently flat in others. This actually could have been a movie to hold a place in my personal top 10, had it been done right. Instead, it shot itself in the foot by neglecting certain aspects of its execution almost entirely. And for that, I fume with rage. 

First, the good. The visuals are stunning. The opening scene had me asking “is this an animation, or a live-action drone shot?” It was stunningly gorgeous and  beyond impressive. Every single scene thereafter held to this standard, right up until the end credits. From lush grasslands to snowy mountains, every scene was masterfully crafted with inspiring expertise. For this, Tolkien would be proud.

But the plotline is where the threads begin to fray. This particular aspect is a mixed bag. On the one hand, characters have interesting motives that play together well. Battles reflect upon the players orchestrating them, and several moments are executed with memorable impact. The trouble is that these characters fail to create a lasting impression of their own upon me as an audience member. As such, their roles and movements lack the significance that they were supposed to have because I just couldn’t bring myself to care about who they were. On several occasions, I turned to my friend with whom I was watching the film and asked

“Was I supposed to remember who that was?” 

Or worse:

“Was I supposed to care about who that was?” 

Unfortunately, the vast majority of the cast was entirely forgettable, with even its main character ultimately falling short of noteworthy. By the end, I couldn’t even say that I was rooting for her, or her cause. Everyone had motivations, but the film failed to express them as a film ought to. No connection could be formed to these characters, and I found myself feeling disappointed by even the best-executed scenes because the characters were as bland as a bag of flour. And the few times that a character got my attention, they would make a pivot that failed to make sense within the storyline. 

And that leads us to my ultimate gripe, the ruiner of this movie: the dialogue. On top of characters only being the pawns that the plotline demanded of them, the execution of their interactions made me severely uncomfortable. Lines with any form of impact were few and far between, and every single interaction came with pauses that were far too long. I typically don’t notice a gap or break in between two characters dialoguing, but this was bizarre, odd, and ultimately uneasying. What potential this movie had was absolutely spoiled rotten by these awkwardly-executed dialogues. 

Overall, this movie felt like someone said “look, I’ve got all these gorgeous backgrounds, let’s use them for something. Oh shoot, that means writing a plot, characters, and the like. I’m no good at that, but let’s do it anyway!” 

Ultimately, this movie is only as memorable as the time it will take me to repress the experience. Excuse me as I go find myself a mouthwash-movie.