Merit

Can I share a bit of a hot take with you? I often find myself thinking about good intentions. Lately, I have been feeling like we idolize good intentions without considering how dangerous they can be without wisdom. I often stop and ask myself “am I making things better, or are things just going to get worse for this person?” Even if the actions are clumsy, and the advice outright bad, I feel there is a stigma that the receiver should take the advice because the person meant well. 

But, what if they make things worse? What if someone gives you bad advice that winds up costing you precious resources? What if someone comes to comfort you, but winds up making you feel sadder? Nowadays, we patch up their inadequacies by saying “oh, but they meant well.” But what good is meaning well when it does nothing but beg for forgiveness? I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I believe the excuse of good intentions needs to be brought into check. 

The first to respond to this statement are usually the insecure. If your first response to this was “how do I know if I’m qualified? I shouldn’t help anyone because I’m not ‘qualified’ enough,” relax. This message probably isn’t for you. Those that are counterproductive usually think they’re the bees’ knees. That, or they’re so desperate to help that they act recklessly. Either one is bad news. 

So, what’s the solution? I think the way we fix this problem is for the helper to ask “what have I been given?” Have you been given the gift of a medical degree? If not, do you have connections? Take some honest inventory of what you have, and what you don’t. Don’t be shy about it. Don’t let your insecurities affect what goes on this list, but don’t kid yourself either. If you aren’t an electrician, don’t go fiddling with someone’s fuse box! Make a list of things you have that can easily make someone’s life better. Do you have money? Do you have time? Perhaps, a car that runs? You may find that you have far more than you think, and that there is more than one way to help someone that needs it. 

But, let me make things interesting: consider your relationships on your inventory list. Often, especially around those hot topics, we consider it our duty to correct people who are so very clearly wrong about certain things. Maybe your coworker drinks nothing but energy drinks and always skips breakfast. We know better, but do we have the place in their life to correct them? This is a scary question, because sometimes the answer might be “no.” 

I had this a lot growing up. I would make a post about some new band I was listening to, and some random schmuck would write to me and tell me that they were worried about me. I’ll admit, there were a few I could have paid more attention to, but many were people I had never spoken to before. Or, at best, I had only spent a few minutes engaged in small talk with. Those types of people, unfortunately, couldn’t put my name on their list of resources. As such, their advice fell on deaf ears. “What is this?” I remember saying to myself. “I barely even know you!” 

But, before you lose hope, let me clarify something: this is not to say you should never try to correct someone who is doing something wrong. I think it means you have to be more considerate of your approach. If someone you just met a few weeks ago smokes three packs of cigarettes a day, maybe you need to work your way into their life first. I like to make jokes about these things sometimes. I’ll offer them a blank stare when they complain about why they are suffering from coughing fits, as we both break out into laughter about the situation. 

I think through this question a lot: where am I planted? Whose life have I been woven into, to be able to speak truth? If I’m not there yet, into whom can I speak life? Oftentimes growing up, I felt like “speak the truth in love” meant to politely bash them with your theological views. Although there is a time and a place for that discussion, I have a deeper understanding of it now. I think it’s important to consider the building of the relationship, and whether or not people will be edified by your correction. It takes discerning to correct others well, and I often see people ignoring wisdom altogether because they want to make a particular comment, or have an argument with someone. A good debate is a wonderful thing, but it has to be handled with care.   

My point is to consider how your message will be received. Even the best of arguments don't mean squat if you try to beat someone over the head with them. Every now and again you have to press for an answer, but force should be handled wisely. Especially when you don’t have a deep friendship with someone. Take time to consider the results of your actions, and not merely doing what you feel like doing. 

I say this in hopes that you can do better. I pray you are able to truly hold yourself accountable. I pray you aren’t intimidated by what I have to say, but take it as a challenge to be wiser with your desire to help. I pray you learn to offer true help, true resources. I pray you become an even greater helper by humbling yourself, and admitting what you can and can not do. I pray you learn to take control of the impulse to offer aid, and learn to offer better aid. You are capable of more, you are capable of greatness. You were born for it, so believe in it!Until next time

May peace be with you.