#8 My Vice
- Christian D'Andre
- Oct 16, 2024
- 4 min read
Updated: Feb 14
Sometimes when I’m bored, I will think about the Saw franchise, and ask myself “what game would Jigsaw put me through? What vice would he make me confront, and what would that look like in game-form?” Now, I’ll spare you the gruesome part of that, but the second part is where I want to focus today: what vice do I have that is buying me my tombstone?
Sorry, I should probably back up for those unfamiliar with the movies. You see, the main “killer” in the Saw movies claims that he puts people through his crazy traps to make them confront their sins. He thinks he’s a judge and jury, but lets people be their own executioners
If they choose to be.
So if you suddenly found yourself addicted to apples, he might make you eat a glass apple in sixty seconds, or get taken out by a bomb. Something like that. And while I’m not addicted to apples, I often wonder which of my faults is the worst of them. Which bad part of me is sending me hurtling towards death’s front door? I often run the list. Is it my pride? My arrogance? Perhaps my timidness, or the belief that I’m supposed to carry the weight of the world by myself?
And yesterday, it hit me: my biggest burden is actually my self-criticism. I push myself harder and harder and harder, only to have it all feel like it’s never enough. Eventually, this leads me to bite off more than I can chew. Then I’ll crash and burn, only to repeat the cycle once again.
And this whole thing reminds me of Saw 4, where the victim of the big game is a police officer who is obsessed with saving everyone, carrying the weight of the universe on his shoulders in hopes of controlling the outcomes of everything he touches. Now, I haven’t always wanted to be the one to save everyone all the time, but the idea that I could control the outcome of every situation I’m in is pretty hard to shake. I keep beating myself up for not doing more, not being further along, not working hard enough, and not pushing myself till I break every single day of my life.
All while I’m writing a page every day but Sunday, working a full-time job in construction, going to school for said job, donating plasma twice a week, and going to church for a small group and Sunday service. I know, I don’t do nearly enough.
And this, in turn, tires me out. It makes do everything a little bit harder, because I’m not only fumbling through trying to succeed in life, but beating myself up for not being there already. So I start doing less and succeeding less, because I’m carrying a bunch of extra weight. So I’m actually kind of right about not doing enough, but the voice that batters me for it isn’t one that will help me out, for the most part.
The key is to distinguish between things you could actually do better, and things that you need to chill out on. Sometimes I have a strong gut feeling about something I ought to do. Things like how I ought to pluck up the courage to ask my boss to help me plan my days off for Christmas. Things that are easy to do, but that I don’t always feel like doing.
Then there are big, general things, like I should be making fat stacks of cash by now, or that my student debt should be paid. Unreasonable things that would be super cool, but aren’t really possible. I think we have to assess our expectations of ourselves, and to learn to argue back against that voice that says we aren’t doing enough. We just need to start asking the question “is this expectation realistic, and is this accusation really fair?” I think most of the time, we will find that we are simply pushing ourselves too hard.
So go out and get one of those little pocket notebooks and carry it around with you. When you find yourself beating yourself up, take a minute to pause and write down one or two words about what you are pushing yourself to do. Then put a “Y” or “N” next to it if you think the expectation is fair or not (Y for yes, N for no.) This doesn’t take very long, and you will find yourself sorting your thoughts out in no time. Play with the process if this feels like it doesn’t fit, but find some way to get in touch with the expectations you are holding for yourself so that you can fight back against them.
I pray that you find the means to shed the burden you are forcing upon yourself. That you stop putting those bruises on your cheeks and that you start living a more cheerful life, filled with lightness and laughter.
Until Next Time
May Peace be your Guide.
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