#2 Perfectionism: what is it?

If I asked you to think of a perfectionist in your life, I am willing to bet that you could name at least one. However, if I asked you to flesh out a good definition of one, that might get a little tricky. You might fumble a bit as you tried to give me a solid answer as to what one is, and you’d eventually quit when I asked you to define it without using the word “perfect.” So where does perfectionism come from? How does one become a perfectionist and what does the inner workings of their mind look like? As someone who is one, I am willing to give you an inside look at what perfectionism is like. Are you ready? Hush, no you’re not!

The first question to ask is where does the idea of perfection come from? Who gets to define perfect? Well, I’d say it’s half me and half everyone else. Sometimes perfection is nothing less than my own idea of how things should go. But more than a simple “I think the party should have red balloons instead of green ones,” perfectionism is an obsession. The balloons must be red, and the exact shade of red that I saw in my head when I dreamt up this whole party! Anything less and I will be miserable. And even if I get them, it will be a brief snort of relief before the next obsessive need sets in. Ultimately, things must go exactly, to the T, as my brain said they should, or everything is ruined. 

And that’s the big problem with perfectionism: it’s all punishment and no reward. It’s no carrot and all stick. Even when you get it right, it isn’t satisfying, it’s punishing. You would think that getting the most stunning photo of your photography career would be a moment of ecstasy. You would expect a jump for joy, a fist in the air and a shout of excitement. At best, I have heard a brief sigh of relief, a little “nice. Moving on!” It’s not fun, not for joy that we follow our perfectionistic impulses. It’s for avoiding complete and utter failure. Disaster must not strike, so we must push further, work harder, to ultimately dodge another apocalyptic disaster before it comes to pass. The ultimate goal of a perfectionist is to survive the storm, not to build a fortress.

And yet, I have had other times when I feel the same impulse coming from somewhere outside of me. Sometimes someone will ask me what I think about something, and I will implode like a black hole. On the one hand, I will know exactly how I want to answer- how I know I would genuinely respond to something. On the other hand, however, sits the answer that I know everyone would like to hear from me. It’s like I know what a healthy person might say and it reminds me that I am not a healthy person. It’s like someone is shopping for a brand new shirt and I am a stained one. Eventually, I wind up saying something like “I’m sorry, I know this isn’t the answer you wanted, but this is where I’m at.” That is, unless I am able to deny the impulse to lie about it. 

I know this doesn’t paint me in a picture-perfect light, but hey: that’s being human, right? Or is it? Though I didn’t originally mean it to be, I think that question sums up perfection perfectly: it’s an obsession with looking inward. Think of it like a car. Yes, every car needs maintenance. The oil needs to get changed, the gas needs to be topped off, and the occasional repair will have to be made. But there’s an important difference between obsessing over how it’s running and making sure it can keep getting there at all. When you stop using the car because you’re more worried about it getting the usual wear-and-tear than using it to get places, then you being to have a perfection problem. 

When I think of a prime case of perfectionism, I think of the Pharisees in the Bible. Now, these guys were grade-A perfectionists. They had rules upon rules upon rules that all had to be followed to a T! They had enough rules to make a grown man sick! Can you imagine living like that? As a recovering perfectionist, I sorta can. Now, I wasn’t the worst of perfectionists, but I have definitely been known to be hard on myself. I once flipped out because I couldn’t build a 3-story candy cane house. Perfectionism at its finest.

Anyway, Pharisees had rules and they were all about keeping yourself holy. They were all about making yourself, by yourself, right with God. And that’s no small order, folks! It probably sucked to be around those guys and sucked even more to try to be them! But then Jesus rolled up and told them they had it all backwards. He called them names and started flipping all their ideas (and sometimes, their tables) on their heads. But what was the main difference between Jesus and the Pharisees? You’ll have to tune in tomorrow to find out!

Does this sound like you at all? Perhaps something struck a nerve and you discovered you have a little perfectionism in you? Maybe you know you’re a perfectionist and enjoyed my stories of being one. Or maybe you’re just surprised to learn that I’m actually one as well. Whatever the case may be, I pray you have learned something from this. I pray the insights from this chapter have enriched you and your understanding of how some of us operate. 

And if you happen to know someone who thinks like this, go give them a hug. Tell them they’re doing just fine and that they’re enough. I guarantee you it will make their day. (Unless it’s me, I’m not much for hugs. But I will accept food any day of the week.) 

Until next time

May Peace be your guide.