#3 The Past

It’s a trippy thing, looking back. You see a whole year’s worth of memories flash before your eyes, and yet they feel like just a moment. A single event that transpired instead of an entirely lengthy set of several years of your life. I walk up and down these halls, seeing the memories of places I have been and the person I was, and it weighs heavy upon my heart. Heavy not because I’m sad, but because this room holds power. It’s crazy how blurred the lines of time are. How many memories I have made and unmade in these rooms. From the start of the party, to its crashing down, to realizing how much re-learning I had to do about life and how to live it, these rooms hold a mighty significance. 

I had a great time here, make no mistake. The journey has been a really great one. I appreciated not having to be on my feet all day, soaking in the quietness of the office environment that gave me time to reflect and grow in various areas of my life. I appreciated having some freedoms and flexibilities, the culture that this office had, and the amount of PTO I could stack up has always blown my mind. I know I act like this has been an awful journey, but that’s only half of the story. It’s a different world. And while, on the surface, it seems like paradise, every workplace has its crappy things to deal with. I’m simply unwilling to put up with this set of shenanigans. It’s as simple as that.

It’s heavy, looking back at the memories. Even the good ones hold a certain heft in your heart. From where that heft comes from, I’m not sure. Perhaps what’s heavy is being able to experience the passage of time, to reflect on how much of it has passed. But it’s not just how many hours, days, months or years have been checked off, but how densely you have packed that time. It’s being able to reflect on the adventures you have had and new experiences that have been made. It’s the gasping breath forced out of your lungs as you are awakened to the reality that you have lived through a great metamorphosis. 

And everything feels so real because you are still, at least partially, that old person. You may not have the same habits or vices, tastes or interests, but the memory of that place is still imprinted on you deep in your memory. And it hits hard because you get to reflect on the differences between the two you’s. Who you are now is not who you were then, and though you know this in your mind, you rarely get to feel it in such a way as this. Side-by-side those feelings sit, and you get to really experience, to taste, to feel those differences.

And that’s where I am today. I could reflect on every little change that has happened over the last year and a half, but for now I’m looking at the big picture, reflecting on the massive U-turn that my life has done. By the guidance of God and a lot of hard work, my life has pivoted to a much better place. Sometimes you have to take a lot of effort to bring your car to a screeching halt, and even more to force it to pivot. It takes a lot of pit-stops as you go back and forth to ultimately go in a different direction. But in the end, you have a brand-new road to go speeding down and you can go zipping down the highway with a newfound vigor because you know you are on the right path. 

But right now, it’s good to release some of the pressure of the chapter now closing. Wonderful, gracious growth has been my blessing over this last year and a half, and I’m eternally grateful for it. Not just grateful, but awestruck at the glorious resolution to the torrential uproars deep in my spirit. I’ve been graciously rescued from the destructive parts of my filthy self. Every person in this world should go through one period in their life of ferocious growth and revival of their life’s direction. It will alter the course of history, both theirs and the world around them. 

Until next time

May peace, even through turmoil, be your guide.