September, 2025

Lately, I have been trying to write these posts as a sort of theme of the month. I keep wanting to say something poetic, like “this month, I have been learning about THIS!” In my head, I write this grand lesson that follows closely to the story my life has been. It all sounds amazing in theory, then I sit down to write and…

I can’t remember which parts happened in which month. 

I start to write about the story of how I suddenly got bumped up to 50 hours a week and realize that was last month. Or was it the month before? It all feels like a big mish-mash in my head. I have had some good things happen lately, don’t get me wrong. I just can’t remember if they were this month or not. Funny how life is like that sometimes. 

Maybe the thing to say about this month is that the thoughts have been slowing down. I need these kinds of periods from time to time. Because, if I’m being honest, I think too much. I know–shocking, right?! As I typed that out, about five people came to mind who I can hear saying, “oh geez, don’t beat yourself up like that! There’s no such thing as thinking too much!” To them, I say your heart’s in the right place, but can you put that thought on the shelf for a second to hear me out? 

A friend of mine once called it the “paralysis of analysis.” It’s the need to be sure of everything all the time. The need to know that nothing will go wrong or that everything will go in a specific way all the time if I just prepare well enough. “If I do this, then that is guaranteed to happen,” this voice tries to say. It’s the need to hesitate, and ultimately–to be consistent. I think and I think and I think in hopes of one day thinking the world into perfect order. It’s like my thinking is a big pot and I’m trying to boil all the chaos away. 

You know what this feels like? It feels like I’m Quasimodo, high up in his belltower. I have gone out into the real world and discovered the cold, hard truth: it’s far from ideal. It’s far from the perfect fantasy-land that I had always dreamed of it being. The weaver’s hands are coarse and callous, the miller is filthy and covered in dust, and their wives have found yet another reason to nag at them. The sun glares at me with a ferocious intensity that drains any joy that I may have dreamt of finding from it, and I find myself entirely heedless of the gift it may, in fact, be to be me. 

I know that sounds like I’m pessimistic, perhaps even depressed. I can assure you, I’m very not. I wear a smile on my face and most days, it’s a real one. I think this is my long-winded way of saying that my chaos-tolerance is really low and it’s showing. I have come a long way to improve it, but it’s still a struggle of mine. I’ve spent so much time in my bell tower, my own little world that’s perfectly neat and tidy, untouched and dead-silent, that I’ve lost some of my ability to enjoy the real world. 

Well, maybe “lost” is the wrong word. Maybe it’s that I never had it to begin with. It’s not that I can’t function in the world at large, it’s that I can’t get the same joy out of it, I guess. I can’t see the beauty in our mud-splattered, dusty, grimy, yet entirely real world. Perhaps Judge Claude Frollo was right. Perhaps the world is, in fact, cruel and wicked. Perhaps my safe little world of fantasies and dreams of the world are the only real friends I have in the whole city. Maybe that’s the best this world has to offer. 

I don’t think it’s an accident that I have latched so strongly onto this movie. Because I think the answer lies in the moral that Quasimodo learns. I spend a lot of time believing that the world is a dark, cruel place. Trouble is, the only thing dark and cruel about it is the big bag of memories that taught me what the world was supposedly really like. What keeps me locked up, reliving the same cycle is my memories of when I first learned about the world. My Judge Claude Frollo is none other than Ukraine and my experience with it.

I rarely talk about Ukraine because I didn’t love it like everyone else did. I have met many wonderful people who are, in fact, Ukrainian; but the way they have learned to function as a society didn’t work for me. I held off on even mentioning this out of respect for everything going on, but I can’t keep dancing around it like I’m scared of being bombed. More and more signs have been pointing to me opening up about this part of me and I think it’s time to run with them. Maybe it’s time I started going there. I had always planned to have a sequel book about the TCK life anyway. I guess now is the time to start writing that story.

More on this as it develops, I guess.

I know some of y’all like the life-update, checklist-ey type of thing from this post (and, quite frankly, I do too,) so let’s back up and do that, shall we? Work is great. I’m still consistently cranking out 50 hours a week. Yep, that’s ten-hour days, five days a week. There was a push to have us work 60 hours a week, doing 12 hour days, but I pushed back and I’m still at 50. A part of me is slowly adjusting to the rhythm of having less free time and a part of me isn’t. I think the big thing is that I don’t feel the toll it’s taking on me. I’m still able to get almost all the energy back on Sundays, so I don’t feel like I’m doing bad, per se, it’s just a busy season. Especially when we talk about Tuesdays.

I like to call Tuesday into Wednesday “The Gauntlet.” Tuesday morning, I get up at 5am for work, same as always. Work goes until 3:30 PM, then I have to zip off to class. The commute is just short enough that I can make it there with enough time to eat before class starts. Then class runs from around 5:00PM all the way until 9:00PM! Well, it’s more like technically 9:00PM. Our teacher gets that we’re tired and all, so he usually lets us out around 8:00PM. Still, it’s a good 30 minutes home, so I don’t get home til almost 9:00PM all the same. When I do finally get home, I have to balance a little downtime with an early enough bed time to not be cranky the next day. Thankfully, I still have a healthy supply of pre-workout samples from different events. I have been slowly chipping away at that, which has led to some funny stories. 

The nice thing is that the hours have given me enough money to be able to stop donating plasma for a bit. Honestly, it was a fun hobby. If I ever find myself drowning in free time again, I may go back. The chairs are comfy, I feel like I’m doing something, and the chairs are really comfy (and did I mention that the chairs are really comfy?) But for now, that time is better served as my one night a week where I come straight home after work. I also have Fridays to myself, but I have this odd quirk where I feel like I have to be out celebrating a bit. Try as I might, I have yet to figure out why that is. Oh well. 

I’m still going to church and all, which I like. Still in a small group that’s doing well. That part of my life feels like it’s on life support a bit. Probably because my life is very much a “work and crash” cycle right now. I’m doing other things, but I feel like they’re whizzing by me. Kind of like I’m in the fast lane. I definitely haven’t had time to reflect much lately. I’m doing alright and finding joy in other things, along with the breaks I can catch, but being able to sit down and reflect like this is a little more rare. I love everything my life is up to right now, but I can’t have everything all the time. Well, maybe it’s less that I don’t have the time to reflect as it is the energy. The more time passes, the more I’m just working and recovering. It’s just the season I’m in. 

I do see a break on the horizon, though. The week after next, I’m taking a Friday off to go see the dentist. The week after that, I’m getting a physical done for my insurance. That one’s also on a Friday, so I’m also taking the whole day off. So that’s two Fridays in a row where I won’t be working. I’m going to enjoy them well. I have also been thinking about trying acupuncture, just for the heck of it. The big thing holding me back was the fact that my plasma center would defer me for a while if I did it, but now that I’m not going, that barrier is lifted. Maybe it’s time I scratch another thing off of my bucket list. 

If you’re into the whole praying thing, I don’t know what to tell you right now. I feel both the pro’s and con’s of where I’m at, almost as much as where I could be. I guess just pray that God gives me what I need and that I learn to be happy with it. 

OH SHOOT, THE BOOK! How could I forget the one thing I set out to do this year? We’re almost done! I feel like I’m ready to publish, but I’m doing one quick check for blind spots. If you know anything about book publishing, feel free to reach out. If nothing else, just to pinch me to prove that I’m not actually dreaming. Otherwise, I have the manuscript done, the cover art finished, and my amazon account set up. It’s all coming together and it feels kind of weird. I guess I could mention my weird marketing thing. Basically, I’m going to give out copies of the book and ask that readers pay it forward by buying it for someone else if they felt the book was valuable. I don’t have to know who was given what or when or whatever. This book isn’t about me and it isn’t about making money. It’s a hobby so this is all for the fun of it. But if you were interested in reading the book anyway and want a free copy, reach out to me and I might be able to get you one. And if you were going to be nice and buy a copy anyway, I can just give you one and you can spend your money on a copy for a friend or two. I think the whole thing will be fun and I hope that excitement becomes contagious. I really am excited for this whole thing to launch. I know it’s going to be a whole new adventure seeing this thing go live.  

Ok, I think now I have gotten everything off my chest and onto the table. If not, maybe I’ll do a part 2 or something. Either way, I hope your life is going well and that you’re happy and stuff. 

Until Next Time

May Peace be your Guide