The Quiet Guy Chronicles#2: mere presence

Growing up, my quietness used to get to people. I found it funny most of the time: all I had to do was show up, and people would fear me. Now that’s power! But I would be lying if I said it was always fun and games. Sometimes I would combine my quiet-guy brain with my man-brain, and silently open the famous “nothing box” When people would ask what was on my mind, I had two choices: lie or look like I’m lying (because nobody thinks about nothing, right?) Of course, my responses weren’t rude. I would be around, sitting in places like the living room or kitchen where everyone could see me. But it still rustled some feathers when I wouldn’t do a ton of talking. I understand quiet can seem rude, but I was enjoying the silence, dagnabbit! It does often make me wonder: why is extroversion and loudness the norm, while silence seems to make people uncomfortable? Sometimes I feel like I barely have enough time to get my thoughts together, when someone interrupts and wants to get the conversation rolling. That can be aggravating. But just like I may be missing out on stuff because I don’t speak up, could it be that many are missing out on getting to know a person by focusing too much on the talking? Let’s dive into that. 

I have often found that you can learn more about a person by how they act than how they talk. If you come up to someone and ask them something, they will typically react with what they want you to know about them, shaping the opinion you form of them as you talk. Ask them if they like Starbucks, and they might say they love it in order to impress you. But if you were to take them there, the look on their face might say a little more. I’m not saying you can’t do both, but I find observing while interacting to be difficult, so I’m usually either doing one or the other. 

You can learn a lot, dare I even say: more, from a person by how they act. I have even met people that are so observant that they are aware of my feelings even before I am! Now that’s impressive! I find this especially useful with guys. Sometimes I will have a buddy who is clearly doing a little worse-for-wear, but when I ask him about it, he’ll tell me that he’s just fine. Sometimes I have to pump the brakes and say “look here, chump! I know you’re bluffing. If you don’t want to talk about it then cool! But you’re not fooling me, and I’m not going anywhere!” Sometimes, the ability to read between the lines can make you a better friend. 

But just think about that for a second: there’s something to be said about our presence. Have you ever spent the day just coexisting in the same space with someone? Have you ever had a lazy Saturday with someone? They might be reading a book while you play video games, but deep down, you really feel like you’re connecting? I know I have, and let me tell you: it’s a great feeling. It’s like having the best of both worlds. Why is that? I think it’s because you’re actually bonding in the most natural way possible. You both get to be yourselves and have someone else observe and accept it. I think that’s something beautiful. 

If you haven’t had this experience with someone, I would encourage you to. If you have someone in your life that’s a little quieter, I would encourage you to try this on them. Just be in the same space with them. Let them do their thing as you do yours, and see what happens. Now, you might be thinking “if my thing is people, how can I do my thing and make this work?” Great question! If it’s becoming that much of an issue, try not talking to them until they talk to you. It may take longer than you’d like, but we have a way of coming out of hiding. It may not be for as long as you’d like, but hey, that’s the game. If you are getting everything you want from someone, it’s quite possible that your quiet friend is getting more than his fill of “people time,” and isn’t admitting it to you. That, or they like being invited to stuff and being around people. Either one can happen. 

And as to my fellow quiet people: I’d say compromise sparingly, but with intentionality. I have found that if you don’t offer much of a response, people think you’re being rude, or that you don’t want to talk to them. For me, if I didn’t want to be around people, I’d go home. Sometimes I don’t have a choice, but it’s best to be aware of this so that you can control it. If someone makes the effort to start a conversation, be a little wordy. Not so much that it’s annoying, but keep that conversation flowing for a hot second so it doesn’t give a bad impression. I understand the idea that not all your thoughts are public knowledge, but give them something just so that they know you’re not trying to shoo them away (unless you are, in which case, give them your coldest!) But then, push back a little. When someone says “gee, why are you so quiet?” Snap back with something like “I could yell if you’d like!” or “I dunno, why are you so loud?” Nah, I’m kidding, don’t be rude about it. But don’t let anyone tell you it’s a bad thing. I believe I can sit here and share all these deep insights because I am quietly listening to the world. It calms the mind and helps you to avoid a lot of hardship. Enjoy the blessing the King has given you, and put it to great use!

That’s all I’ve got for today. I hope this has enriched your life and made you a better person. Whether you’re a friend to a quiet person or you are one yourself, I pray this has shed some light on the plight and how to improve the groove. Wow, with rhymes like that, I’m going to go off and become a rapper!

Til next time

May Peace be your Guide.