#8 The Spark

Today I had a little epiphany while I was at work. As usual, work was kicking my butt. It was getting me down. I started talking to God about it all. Did I do something wrong in taking this job? Is this some sort of punishment? Was I meant to be here? Was I pulling a Jonah, running away from the nineveh He sent me to? I felt like I had pulled out a machine gun, rapid-firing questions from my panicked heart at God. 

And as I was working through my flustered frenzy, my boss hollered at me “go head up to the second floor to help receive this shipment!” He hollered it from across the fence, so I rushed to the other side to help. As I approached, he pointed up at our building. “2nd floor!” he shouted in his usual “half-kidding, half angry” voice. So up to the 2nd floor I marched, dreading another round of the monstrously heavy items we would have to deal with. 

And those items were as terrifyingly heavy as they always were, and I did my best to get everything squared away, all the while worrying that today would be the day that I injure my back. I’m not that old, but I have had a few jobs where my back has suddenly decided that enough was enough. It’s not fun. And I probably couldn’t just hack it this time if things were to get really bad. I need a strong back to make it right now.

So there I was, praying desperately for guidance and reassurance, afraid for my back, and asked to go out and put it to the test. And you’ll never guess what happened at the end of the heavy-lifting session:

Nothing

I felt a nudge on my shoulder, as something in my gut said “take note of how you’re not feeling.” And it’s not to say that I suddenly feel immortal, but I definitely felt a little better. I don’t know if I’ll make it through my entire career, or even my entire four-year apprenticeship without any injuries, but at least I can say I made it through today. And that’s when it hit me: sometimes what begins a spark inside of us is the belief that we can do something. When we truly believe we have a talent, a gift, or a knack for something, we start to nurture it into something more. Something that’s the beginning that defines us. Sometimes in catching an early win, we discover something that feels like home. 

But it can’t end there. No no, a “can-do” spark can only be the beginning! Being good at something gives you the confidence to get started, but not to really keep the fire going! I say this from personal experience, because this is how I started writing! When I was a kid, everyone told me I was good at it. So I tried my hand at it for a while. I tried writing stories, allegories, and all sorts of other shenanigans. I figured if I just wrote enough, it would eventually click with me. Much like my time learning guitar, I kept plugging away at it, believing for the day that I would start liking it. 

But I quickly gave up. Natural talent gave me enough of a spark to get started, but not enough to stick with it. No no, you don’t just have to catch some wins in those early days. Something deeper has to take root in your soul in order for things to really take flight. Something like a good, well-paced growth path or a sense of community that comes from the hobby. Being good at something is great to get you started, but you have to get more out of it for it to stick. 

But you might be thinking “this ‘Sir Endar’ guy is an idiot. Here he is rambling on about hating writing when he’s now writing a page a day. Psh, what a fake!” Just hold on, now, because something did change. I guess, in a way, kid me was right about it eventually clicking. Just…not in the timeframe he was expecting. Eventually I fell in love with writing as a means of chasing wisdom and understanding. I fell in love with the idea of being able to find good answers to my questions in life. And I loved the idea of being able to grow in something that helps me do things better. In that sense, yeah, I eventually did have my “click” moment. 

The difference is that I had some personal wins that I brought into the mix. Yeah, I started doing it because everyone said I did it well, but then I had to find my own kindling. I found the fuel that lit my bonfire with a raging roar. And I’m now (as of writing this) I’m eight and half months into my rigorous “page a day” challenge! How crazy is that?! 

I guess the takeaway from all my ramblings is that wins are vital to your success. And I don’t think you should just try to talk yourself into believing how good you are at something. No! You need something tangible to light you back up! It’s good to get into the deep end in order to help you grow, but don’t jump into a bloody riptide to try to grow yourself. I know this sounds tricky, but you have to be able to dial it back down for a bit when you feel your limits being stretched. And if you feel like you are wearing thin, a win may be what you need as well. 

So take on a task that you know you can finish. Make your commitments part of what people know you for. Go find yourself a few W’s when life gets hard. Don’t just drown for the sake of growth. Find a way to go back and forth between the shallow and deep ends as needed. 

And that’s what I pray for you today: a win. I pray that the spark lights back up inside of you as it did for me. I pray your path is well-lit by He who lights your way. 

Until next time

May Peace be your Guide.