Who should play Spider-man?

Since I didn’t go to the movies this weekend, I figured I should still have something movie-related to go live this week. My roommate and I just spent the last few hours playing a game of who we would cast in various comic book roles. We had some funny ones, like having owen wilson play the riddler, some interesting ones, like having david tennant play joker, and even some outlandish ideas, like having terry crews play poison ivy! But I want to circle back to a belief I have had for a while now as to who would make the perfect spider-man. 

To set the stage, let’s examine the character. Peter Parker is a loser-kid who suddenly turns into an action hero. Back when the character was first created, times were different, and what the world defined as a loser has since changed drastically. We thought of smart, unathletic people as the bottom-feeders, while those with physical advantages (aka “jocks,”) ruled over all like tyrants. Today, our definitions have changed, and so must the character. But the problem is that the world is pushing for inclusiveness, to the point that we can’t seem to find a modern-day translation for a loser. How, then, do we translate such a character into the world we find ourselves in today? 

I think there is still one thing that can paint a character in a not-so-positive light that still communicates well to audiences today: awkwardness. I think we can all relate to having that encounter that didn’t go as well as we’d hoped, maybe that one time where we dozed off staring right at someone, or thought of saying two things at once only to accidentally combine them. That’s something we can all understand, so that should be what the character should be centered around in order to make sense, while still feeling like the same character. 

So, who would I cast as Peter Parker? Well, I can confidently say that no one does awkward like the one and only: Michael Cera. If you watch anything with Michael Cera, that’s practically all he’s known for. But he does awkward in a way that isn’t uncomfortable to watch, (though, I wouldn’t say that would be a bad thing) but is instead comedic and almost charming on-screen. The way he portrays a lost, spaced-out teenager is fun to watch, in a way that still feels like it connects with most audiences today. 

But then, you would need someone who can turn around and play the role of the action-hero, in a way that still feels a bit like a goofy teenager. I don’t need to argue that Michael Cera can pull that off, because he already has as Scott Pilgrim. Just watch “Scott Pilgrim vs the World,” and you will see what I am talking about! The way he snaps the second one of the exes walks in is exactly what a good web-slinging role would demand. I have no doubt in my mind that Michael Cera would make the ultimate Spider-Man. The problem is that the MCU aims to be as bland and generic as possible, so they have to cast the most forgettable person in the world. That’s why Tom Holland has the role: he’s a great “one size fits all” character. There’s nothing to hate, because there’s nothing unique about him at all. 

I am also toying with the idea of having Jackie Chan write the fight scenes. If I had to sum up the fighting style Jackie Chan has in his movies, I would describe it as “oh shoot!” His use of makeshift weapons, the eccentric usage of his environment, and all-out nutty acrobatics would be perfect for a brand-new webhead who is still learning the ropes. I can almost see the “oh, look at that!” moment when Peter realizes he can stick to walls. I can just see a young Peter frantically charging headlong into a fight, desperately trying to find the crook that killed uncle ben. Then, suddenly, he says to himself “oh right, I don’t actually know how to fight.” Three more thugs come around a corner, as Peter frantically flails away, praying for a way out that lets him keep his head. Then, as he wails his arms about, praying for a miracle, his hand accidentally slaps an overhead fire escape ladder and the hand sticks! 

I can see the whole thing play out in my head, clear as day, and I think it would be perfect! But I don’t believe such a thing would ever get made because of the direction marvel is going. Like I said, their style is now “one size fits all,” and it’s tragic. Every character is unique and different, so why can’t they all be shot in their own unique style? That’s what I applaud about all the DC movies. Whether they are flying or flopping, they are all their own unique beasts. Blue Beetle is a techno, sci-fi tale with a strong hispanic influence, while Batman is dark and brooding. They all feel different, and I believe that’s how it should be. I understand that means taking some risks, and it may mean that some do a little worse for a bit. The topic of doing “new and original” things is a whole separate rant I could do, so I won’t go there right now. All I will say is that I believe every superhero movie should be its own unique beast with its own unique feel. I believe Michael Cera’s style of awkwardness and Jackie Chan’s “oh shoot” martial arts, with a good old-fashioned comic book art style would make for an incredible Spider-Man movie. 

But I would be curious to see what you think about this. Am I onto something, or would this be a terrible idea? Let me know in the comments. 

Thanks for reading this

Cheers!