A second Look

Things aren’t always as bad as they seem.

As I have started to write more, something peculiar has started happening to me. Well, I should say as I have been editing more. You see, I try to make sure my quality is top-notch before I post (even though sometimes it still may not seem like it.) A big part of doing so is giving my work a second read. Most of the time, I will make sure to take at least an hour or so to forget about what I have just written so that I can see it with a fresh view. I want to get as close as I can to reading my work like a reader.

As I write, I often hold myself to a very high standard. It’s good to really push yourself to be your best, but there is a fine line to this, and I flirt with it daily. I make sure my spelling is right, and that I have an overall tone that I am following, and other types of things you might expect someone doing their best to think through. But then I get up, reset my brain, and find something funny when I sit back down. When I reread what I have written, I often find myself thinking “huh, this is actually much better than I gave it credit for!” I know myself well enough to confidently say that self-criticism is a strong theme for me, but it was a different way to experience how it can often play out. 

I will often reread some of my work and say that it’s basically fine how it is. Sure, every now and then I will decide I like a different wording better, or realize that something doesn’t sound like I meant it to, but I usually read things and find it to be a pleasant experience. I am starting to realize that this is how I operate in most of my life, and if I can develop ways to “reread” the events of my daily life, I will find I am not doing too bad. Sure, things could always be better, and there will always be someone who is doing it better than me, but when I look at my own circumstances, and observe how I have handled them. Did I do my best? Was my best really as awful as I sometimes make it seem? I want to encourage you to ask these questions of yourself, as I have started learning to lately.

It’s funny, because I, like many, used to fight the idea of looking back at my own work. When I was in high school, I would never watch my youtube videos before posting them. I couldn’t stand the sound of my own voice, and I thought my whole shtick was dumb and ridiculous. I eventually got comfortable with my improv-style to be confident in it, but it took loads of time. I knew I would have to develop that confidence, so I faked it and eventually “maked” it. 

How often do we do this to ourselves? We like being angry with ourselves to the point that we simply can’t win. We try to do things like tell ourselves not to be this way, we try to dialogue with our inner critic, making him silence his yapping. All this, and the real answer is to try to play bystander and try to see what a random stranger might say about us. I’m not trying to say you should obsess over what others might say about you, but you should ask yourself “am I holding myself to the same standard that I hold everyone else to?” If I were to read the same thing written by a coworker, or even a stranger, would I hate it as much as I do when it comes from me? If someone else were to act the same way I do, would they deserve the same harsh treatment I give myself? Or am I actually not doing as bad as I think, and just need to give myself some time to grow and be human? I think you know which answer is the right one.

I pray these thoughts teach you a more effective way to go easier on yourself. Take some time to reflect on the gap between how you see yourself and how others see you. My prayer is that you take this time to grow, to stop holding yourself down and see that although you do have room to grow, that you are not so far in the mud that people don’t appreciate who you are, and what you have to offer the world.Until next time

May peace be with you.