#2 Advice to the Nice

When a guy like me comes out saying something like “be good, not nice,” it sounds like I’m just being a macho tough-guy who is about to find another way to say “suck it up!” and “be a man!” I mean, yes and no. There are a lot of good things about being a man and being a tough guy, but I haven’t always felt like a tough guy myself. In my weaker moments, I don’t typically try to get some sort of blind inspiration, but instead try to work on my methods. In other words, I’m more of a “be smart and tough” type of man. Make no mistake: that thirst for dominance and manly gusto are still coursing through my veins, but those are personal to me. I don’t expect everyone to share that value. I expect everyone to get there, but I don’t expect everyone’s “how” to be the same. I do have some tips and tricks on being able to turn the niceness off when you need to. I want to share a few of my thoughts on the subject.

First of all, if you are a person that is very nice and agreeable, that’s not a bad thing. Being able to keep the peace and make friends with others is an admirable trait. The problem begins when you start to see niceness as the only way to do things. Many times we are nice because we are scared to disagree with someone who might pose a threat. Believe it or not, the reason I think we should learn to not be nice is to make our niceness better! You see, when we are nice for a reason other than fear, it has a stronger impact. Have you ever met someone that’s completely harmless, yet wraps it all up with a big, toothy smile? The type of person that’s almost too nice, like there’s something off about them? I see them a lot nowadays, and I think it’s high time we put a halt to their ranks. 

I can spot this type of person from a mile away because I was him once. I always wanted friends-for people to like and appreciate me, so I was generous, almost to a fault. As much as we love to push generosity (as we should,) if someone is really pushing it, you have to wonder if something’s going on in their lives. That’s why when I talk about being nice, I’m preaching to the mirror. These words are as much for me as they are for you. So, with that in mind, let’s get started: what do you do when you realize you’re the nice one?We all have a little bit of niceness in us. It’s only natural. But, as far as changing goes, the one piece of advice I want to give is to start slow. Whatever the reason you find yourself being agreeable is, it’s a tough change to make. Baby steps are the way to really make a lasting change. Plus, it’s a scary thing. People will be mad when you stop caring about making them happy. That’s what you’re risking. But don’t let that scare you, we are going to take this slow and steady. The first step I took was to list things I’m not sorry for. This could be anything from “I hate pickles,” to “I think abortion should be illegal.” (Not sorry if this ruins how you see me, but the first thing on my list was “I’m not sorry I like Nickelback.” You can take that however you want.) 

This list doesn’t have to be seen by anyone at all, so feel free to go to town! Nurture that inner lion in that special cage that he won’t get out of just yet. The important thing is that you take the first step to finding yourself when everyone else isn’t telling you what to think. Like I said, this is just for you. No one has to see it, you don’t have to tell anyone about it, you just have to put it on paper. You can lock it in a safe or even shred it when you’re done. As long as you get it in your head that there is at least one thing that is native to you when no one else is around. 

The next step is to work on expressing how you disagree with others. It’s ok not to be bold and brash. A simple “eeehm, I’m not so sure about that. Where’d you get that idea from?” Will do. (Odds are there aren’t too many places where shouting “man, you’re an idiot!” will work too well anyway. Unless you’re around that kind of person, in which case, go nuts!) Look for those moments in your daily interactions where you find yourself disagreeing with others. Maybe someone shows you a meme that you didn’t think was that funny. Even the most angry, disagreeable people will be alright with a difference in opinion, as long as you treat it like it’s personal taste. If there’s no fact of the matter, there’s nothing to argue about. 

And if someone is actually that rude to you, you aren't obligated to be around them. Just avoid them if you don’t want to!. 

The point in doing all of this is to prove to yourself that you have power. The first step towards goodness is pushing back against the need to be nice. Being nice when you don’t have to be is called kindness, and it’s a lot sweeter when you aren’t forced into it. 

For today’s action steps, list three things you feel very strongly about, that you might push back on if someone said otherwise. Just list them for yourself and keep a mental note of these things. It could be as petty as “I prefer Coke to Pepsi,” to as big as “there are only two genders.” Again, no one has to know but you. You can take this to your grave if you want.

Practice one line to say when you don’t want to go along with something. A good go-to is “that’s not for me.” Practice saying it, then find one opportunity to use it in your everyday life. You don’t have to be a jerk, but you can’t keep living as a face in the crowd. You’re more than that, and it’s high time you rise up! Celebrate your uniqueness and remind yourself that being unique isn’t as dangerous as you think. 

Until next time

May Peace be your guide.