#1 An Introduction to Fear

The other day I was at the gym and I saw someone I recognized. I had a wild concoction of emotions that ran through me, and all of them told me not to interact with him. As I walked away, a part of me knew that this was a moment that I simply had to take a closer look at. I spent a few minutes in the hot tub, soaking in the relaxing heat, contemplating what had just happened. A lot of insights struck me that day, but a common thread started forming. You see, a part of me was afraid to speak to this old acquaintance of mine. But as I contemplated my fear, I asked myself a simple question: what would it look like to be rid of this fear? My answer tickled me a bit: it turns out if I hadn’t been afraid, I would have done the exact same thing. Strange, right? 

And it was in this moment that I realized there is something peculiar about fear to be explored. If you told me you were afraid of bees, I would walk you through the simple, straightforward process to help you get over it. But if you saw a bear in the woods, would you want to feel anything but apprehensive? If we were to live a life where we had absolutely zero fear, how well would that actually go for us? I’m inclined to think it wouldn’t go well at all. 

Fear is a response in the body that warns you about something bad. It is the body’s fire alarms, the check engine light, sometimes even a sort of stop sign. Without fear, we wouldn’t have the sense to hold back when we need to, and the world’s population would probably be a lot smaller. We need fear to keep us from doing dangerous stuff. Some of us could probably use a little more of it, and some of us a little less. But to eradicate it entirely would cause more harm than good. 

But does that mean we should let fear run wild, controlling our lives as it sees fit? Not exactly. In the time of the knights, when two nations would go to war, the conqueror would make the conquered their slaves. They would put them in their place in dingy quarters and force them to work for the benefit of the conquering king. The defeated would become like property, whose wellbeing was of lesser importance than that of the reigning people. They lived for nothing but the wellbeing of their captors. I think this is how we should treat fear. 

Over the next two weeks, my goal is to paint a concrete picture of what it looks like to be the conqueror of fear, making it your slave. As I said before, fear has its uses. The fight-or-flight response was built into us for a reason. But we need to bring it into control, to learn when and how to let it out, and when to force it back into its cage. I want to dive into what it looks like to cage it instead of trying to kill it off entirely. 

As we get started, I want to define a few terms and how I expect to use them. It would probably be helpful if we started by defining fear, right? Fear is a sense of danger. Whether it’s tangible or abstract, fear is the indicator that you are in danger. And notice, this has nothing to do with whether or not it’s valid, or if you should be afraid. Fear is a neutral term. It’s just the warning signs. All these things will be covered at a later time, but just know that definition for now. 

The second term to understand is the word anxiety. Anxiety is a mystical sense of apprehension that is used to manipulate others. It’s intentionally left undefined, and often used by the gurus of the 21st century to try to scare people into manipulation. This is a feeling that we want to eradicate completely. If someone that claims to know what’s going on can’t teach you what they know, they are a guru, a predator, and no friend to you. Run from them and take no heed to their advice. 

And while I’m here, why don’t I go ahead and define guru? A guru is someone who wants to sound like they are helping, but just wants to control you. This title used to go to palm-readers and fortune tellers, using a fake sense of spirituality to try to sound like guides. Although many of those still exist today, they have mostly rebranded themselves as psychologists. They often prefer the title of “mental health professionals.” The point is they have a lot of treatments but no cures. I will always strive to avoid the title of guru. I have answers based on personal experience and a few inputs that I trust. You are always encouraged to disagree with me and to chew on my ideas for yourself. However, most of what I argue for is written as fact. That’s just my type-A personality, combined with good writing. Do with me what you will.

A more legitimate version of anxiety is dread. Dread is the feeling that something is wrong, before you are able to put your finger on the specific source of the problem. You might be asking what the difference between dread and anxiety is. Dread has something to it, and anxiety is designed to be a fake idea to hold you captive. For example, the other day I found a beetle on my floor. This sent me into a panic as I thought through what might happen. I found myself wanting to get out of the house because everything simply added to the feeling that something was wrong. Seeing a beetle on my carpet filled me with fear of being in a pest-infested home, which gave everything else a feeling of dread because it came from a legitimate source. Then I tried to google this type of beetle and how worried to be. All the websites for exterminators created a sense of anxiety: call an exterminator immediately because they have professional methods of solving your problem. In other words: panic because you can’t do it alone. The only way to be free is to give us your money. That’s anxiety. 

The other side of the coin is phobia. Phobia is a specific fear that is contained to one specific thing. This may include trauma, PTSD, or a terrifying experience that left you very scared of one specific thing. I’m not a licensed therapist, so if you are having symptoms that you are struggling to control, you may need a professional to help you work through those. But don’t let them lead you blindly. Understand it all for yourself. You want to be able to understand your experiences better, not mystically be cleansed of some sort of vague condition. 

The other main idea I want to focus on is servitude. Remember, we don’t want to eradicate fear. We want it alive and well, sitting in its cell under our control-not the other way around. Servitude refers to who is in control, whether that’s you or your fear. The big question we want to always be asking ourselves is “who is serving who?” This will get a little bit tricky, and if you don’t groan at least once in the next two weeks over nit-picky we get, give yourself a cookie. It might sound like I’m splitting hairs sometimes, but I will do my best to highlight why I believe it is necessary. But if you think I’m just splitting hairs, you’re welcome, as always, to think for yourself. I’m not a teacher, I’m just a thinker, sharing his thoughts with the world. 

As we begin this series on fear, I would love to hear from you: what questions do you have about fear? Is there anything in particular that you would like to have me cover? Leave me a comment, send me a message, or contact me however you feel most comfortable and let’s start a discussion. If we get something worth sharing, and you are comfortable with it, we can turn it into a whole separate post. If not, it will be our own private discussion for your own benefit. Either way, send me your thoughts!

Either way, start taking note of fear as it pops up in your everyday life. It doesn’t have to be the big bad wolves that haunt your sleep, it could be as little as an “ick” feeling when you think about getting on the elevator. It could be an “I don’t want to” when you see an old coworker. Listen to those feelings and start to ask yourself “should I be feeling this strongly about this?” Don’t wear yourself out trying to find something profound with every single feeling. Not every feeling has a deep motive, and even if it does, it can often be exhausting to try to find it. Focus on the big reactions and the patterns as you find yourself willing to search for them. 

Ultimately, I want to paint the road map of a proper relationship to fear. I’m excited for how this journey will unfold, and to see the reactions that you have to what I am setting out to do. As always, your feedback is encouraged and I hope you can benefit from this as much as I do. 

Until next time

Let the journey begin!