#9 Be Cold

It wouldn’t be right if I did an entire series on disagreeableness without mentioning fighting. As a martial artist, this is probably one of the only topics I feel confident jumping into. One of the first things I was taught in martial arts is that it’s often better to simply not get into the fight in the first place. Isn’t that a great thing to hear in your first lesson? Just imagine that as a foundation before you learn the things you just paid to learn. As silly as it seems, it’s great advice. Fights are nasty things and no one ever leaves without taking some damage. Although I’m not the most experienced hand-thrower, I know just enough about conflict to say this with confidence. But sometimes the war must be waged anyway. The question, then, becomes: when do we fight?

The simple answer is that we fight when we don’t have any other choice. Sometimes a threat will not go away until it is fought. Whether it’s the bully that won’t go away, a robber that desperately needs your money, or someone with a personal grudge, sometimes you need to stand up and tell them that the buck stops here, no matter what! Some people won’t respond to anything else. They want what they want, and they don’t care who has to hurt to get it. It’s good to keep an eye out for these types of people, and you must be ready to stop them before they turn you into their next victim.

But could it be that this idea applies to more than fighting? Could there be a point worth making outside of justifiable violence? I think so. I think there is a time and place to be a little callous. I have had times in my life when my empathy has gotten the better of me. It usually feels right to care about others that it’s easy to go blind to the harm it is doing to you. I used to forget that I was made of the same stuff as those I was trying to help. As such, I only succeeded in bringing myself down with them. Sometimes empathy needs to be cut short. 

The two things you need to look at when deciding to hard-limit your empathy are how you are feeling and how much work the person you are trying to help is putting in. I have grown quite attached to people who simply don’t care to change. They complain about what is wrong, I hear them out, and proceed to tell them how they can make their lives better. And still they insist on doing the same things over and over. I once had a friend group that started partying. Every night was a new scene, a new bar, or a new club. Every night was another opportunity for them to get drunk and high, only to regret it in the morning (with how much they drank, I was curious how they could afford it.) I told them it was bad for them and explained where this path led, but they didn’t seem to care. After a while of pushing back, I realized that I had two choices: get myself out or be sucked in. I most certainly didn’t want to be sucked in, so I made the tough choice to hop out of the riptide before it pulled me out to sea. 

The common thread between throwing hands and getting out of things is to detach yourself from someone else's well-being. I know it sounds wrong, but stick with me. At the end of the day, do you want others to let you have the choice, even if it means making the wrong decision? Unfortunately, I think we all know the answer is an unwavering “yes.” So, if you want that right for yourself, why should you deny the same right to someone else? After all, they are the same type of creature that you are, right? You could try to argue that you aren’t making as terrible a decision as they are, but couldn’t the same framework apply to how God treats you? He could argue that He has a better way for you, but you have things that you stick to. So if even God allows people the ability to make their own mistakes, why should you do anything else but let them do their own thing?I’m not saying you should let everyone be with an apathetic “you do you,” every time someone is starting down a wrong path. Heaven knows you wouldn’t be a loving friend if you didn’t offer them correction from time to time. But your job is to be a traffic cone, not a brick wall. You can push back and show them the warning signs, but if they decide to breeze right on by, your odds of getting roped in start skyrocketing. There comes a point where you have to let people see for themselves where their path is leading and pray for their safety on their reckless journey. 

But that’s not all you can do: you can also be there if they decide to change. Just as you can help them avoid the pit, you can help them get out of the pit. But, once again, the question at hand is whether or not you have the means to pull them out without them pulling you in. Imagine it like a riptide. The only reason the lifeguard is able to save anyone is because they have a life preserver, and maybe a boat, to pull someone out. If the lifeguard was out there without their gear, they would simply become victims as well. We are only as helpful as the help we are able to provide. Otherwise we simply add to the number of victims.

But where does God fit into all of this? If God can do anything, does that mean I should just pray and keep pushing to keep caring for people? Well, yes and no. It’s always good to pray for people, so never stop doing that. But the problem at its core is the fact that some people don’t want to change. Whether they’re wrapped up in a web of lies and complications, or they don’t see the error of their ways, some people would rather cling to their gunk than have a better life. (If you don’t believe me, hang around a caffeine addict for a while. They’d rather suffer a thousand migraines than drink a glass of water. It’s comical.) 

There’s a time and a place to be cold, to let punishment sink in and take its toll. But it’s always a hard thing to do. No doubt, there’s a certain flavor of suckage that comes from watching someone insist on suffering, when the hands of grace are reaching out for them. But that suckage is contagious, and it will inevitably pass onto you if you aren’t careful. So maintain your castle! Guard it well and use it as a fortress to protect others as you protect yourself. As with all things, pray for guidance and God will not leave you hanging. 

ACTION STEP: Practice being cold. Don’t be a jerk, but take one instance in the next week or two and ignore someone’s suffering. Whether it’s the homeless man you pass coming home or someone at the supermarket, practice the ability to wash your hands of their suffering. I’m not saying you should do this to everyone, but just one. It won’t kill you, but it will serve as a reminder that you can’t help everyone. Sorry if that stings, but it’s a fact. You are not the savior of the world. Sometimes, you need to be able to tend to your own ship first.

If some of my stories hit home today, maybe you need to let a friend go. You might need to officially announce that you are backing off because of their habits. Or you may need to use subtlety and slowly start spending less time with them. Whatever the case, rehearse what you need to say and set a time to say it. Do know that it will sting for both parties. It will feel like your conscience is being burned alive. You might feel guilty or ashamed for not playing the superhero. But even the greatest of superpowers have their limits, and you are no use to anyone as another name on the list of victims. 

I pray you grow in balance and clarity through these words. I pray you find your way to a greater tomorrow, filled with sanity and personal wellbeing. And I pray you have a great and wonderful day. 

Until next time

May Peace be your guide.