#10 Breaking Point

I feel like I’ve covered this before in another series. I talked about this in the middle of “catching your wins,” where you have a bad day that you can’t turn around. I actually had the exact same thing happen today. Strange, right? To keep things short and sweet, I was, once again, trying to help a friend while putting up with a boss who was being a jerk-wad. I recalled my lesson from last time, and held back the floodgates of anger that sat in my gut. Barely resisting the urge to pop off my passive-aggressive comments, I bit my tongue and finished up the day. 

And as I drove home, contemplating my takeaway, I was reminded of the conclusion I started with: to be strong is to find a love worth bleeding for. I asked myself “What is my love that causes me to stick this out, to bite my tongue when I want to lash out?” And then I arrived upon my lightbulb moment: love of wisdom. My heart’s burning desire is to get my story right. No more storming off in a blind fit of rage, no more throwing down when I feel so inclined. No more destruction, no more evil. I just want to get it right, no matter the cost. 

And that is the burning, bleeding cry within me. That is what my heart begged for when all hell broke loose. “God, I pray with every fiber of my being, let me get it right this time. Let this tale be different from the rest. Write in me a different story this day.” I don’t think it’s intuitive to bleed for wisdom. Strength and wisdom don’t seem like they naturally go together, but they most certainly do. I know what doing things wrong feels like. It hurts. It doesn’t just sting, it doesn’t leave you sore-it shakes you to your very core. It feels like you’re floating through the dark abyss of space. You wonder if you’ll float forever, you don’t know if you’ll ever find anything good. You just float. That suffering without purpose is something I would fight tooth and nail never to experience again. And I have devoted my life to doing just that. 

I have come to cherish wisdom so highly that I will suffer for it, bleed for it. I want to push through to clear my head and make the right decision. To me, it’s definitely worth it. This isn’t perfectionism talking-I am able to make mistakes, but I am fed up with running blind. I am tired of bouncing around aimlessly. I just want to get it right. I don’t wish for anyone to become as lost as I once was, but if that’s what gets you to want to quit being a dummy, then something of far greater value was definitely gained. 

Obviously, I think wisdom is worth suffering for. I think insight is such a beautiful thing that it is worth the pain. But I think there’s an even deeper point to be made here. When you think you have nothing left, you reach for a lifeline to save you. And although the thing that saves you will plant itself deep in your very soul, the reason why will reinforce it. Why did you want to be strong? Why aren’t you giving up? When you hit your breaking point, you will remind yourself of the love you don’t want to give up. And you will reap the rewards of that love when all else fails you. 

But where do we go from there? Well, we focus our eyes on the thing that we love. Maybe you’re giving up your bed for a guest. Focus on how happy they must feel. Maybe you’re paying for your poor friend’s meal. Don’t look at your empty wallet, look at your friend’s smile. Focus on your love of justice when you fight for what’s right, focus on your love of order when you clean the house. These loves won’t make your pain any less, but shadows are far harder to see when you’re staring at the sun. 

So stare at the sun! Meditate on what you are fighting for, and your battles will begin to fade into the background. If you’re with me at that breaking point, take note of your motivations underneath. You may find a love of justice, a pursuit of wisdom, or some far nobler seed than you might have imagined buried deep within the essence of your being. I pray you find the means to set your gaze on your sun, learning to focus on what you love so you can overcome the struggles in your path. And ultimately, I pray you find yourself clearing the other side, proud of how you handled yourself along the way.

Until next time

May peace be your guide

and reward