Desperation

Desperation has been one of those big bad beasts that has taken me down more than a few times over the years. It has pushed me to places that weren’t productive and left me stranded in the middle of the desert. Sometimes it has had a few perks, but the bad typically outweighs the good by a landslide when you let desperation take the wheel. I want to share a few insights on the topic and what has worked for me to overcome it. 

The way I see it, desperation is the habit of saying “yes” when you should be saying “no.” When you find yourself saying “bah, it’s fine! I’ll just go with the flow anyway!” You might be compromising out of desperation. And there’s nothing wrong with compromising in and of itself, but it has to be done in the right way. The big key, for me, is checking how much give-and-take I have in my relationships. If I am the one doing all the driving, doing things I don’t particularly enjoy to be “friends” with a group that doesn’t leave me feeling appreciated, then I know that I need to take a step back and demand the wheel back from my old pal desperation. Furthermore, if the thought of rejecting an invitation makes me nervous, that’s another good sign that desperation has taken its hold. Sometimes I’m just too busy or tired to go to an event, and a good friend will understand that. If they can’t, then it’s time to say “yikes!” and look for other friends. 

I think that’s an important source of desperation: the belief that you can’t do anything else. I have it with friends a lot. I keep telling myself that I couldn’t find anyone else. Sometimes I am convinced that this might be the last friend group I will ever have, and if this one falls through, then life will be absolutely kaput! Then I find another one and the cycle rinses and repeats. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good to value your friendships, but if you feel like you’re being crushed under the thumb of life, you should take a look at what’s going on in your head. If you try to ignore your own groanings, they will resurface at some point. That much is inevitable. 

But how do you know when you should be saying no? The obvious answer is when you find yourself justifying things you don’t really like to do. I always reference growing up when I'm a little lost. There were two major things that I was sure I didn’t like growing up: board games and traveling. If I was feeling generous, the most I would do would be to sit in the same room and watch as everyone else played. That seemed to make everyone happy. For travel, I would pitch a fit. Then when I inevitably lost, I would demand at least one low-key day as compensation. That, at least, I could usually get. 

I tell you these things because I have had a few times where I have been desperate to make and keep my friends. Even when I have finally found a group, I have slid into feeling like I have to bend over backwards to make things work. I have had more than a few times where I have pushed myself beyond my breaking point to be there for everything so that I could be seen as part of the group. A few times I have even said yes to people and things that I would have, should have, otherwise said no to. But those two things I mentioned earlier are things I am very confident that I don’t like, so when I start to tell myself that a night of board games won’t be such a bad thing, it’s time to start sounding the alarm. 

But it can be tough to know when to sound those alarms. It feels like they often creep up on you. It’s almost like you fall asleep at the wheel, and everything feels like it’s fine. It might be that game night also involved the gaming consoles and good company, so maybe it isn’t that bad. Factors can come into play and your non-negotiables suddenly start getting negotiated. If those red flags really do start fading, I fall back on the ultimate litmus test: how hard would it be to say no? If the thought makes my heart beat faster than an hour on the treadmill, that’s a good sign that I have fallen to desperation. I know it sounds cliche, but good friends will allow for some give-and-take, bad friends will forget you exist. It may be time to find out which you have. 

So what does this look like in everyday life? Desperation creeps in when the plans are being made. If you feel like you have to go when your friends are talking about going somewhere, that’s a bad sign. If you get invited to an event and your thoughts are something like “ugh, fine!” Then it’s time to rethink your involvement. Sometimes, even if it’s an event that sounds fun, I find myself skipping because I’m just too tired. Not every moment was meant to be filled with more busy-ness. Sometimes it’s better to take some time to cool off and reset so that the next event can be better. 

And that leads us to today’s action step: say no. Pick one thing that you’re invited to, or are “supposed to” be at, and just say no. Obviously, I’m not telling you to abandon a responsibility. If you were supposed to lead something, then lead it. Otherwise, take one opportunity to simply refuse. Take note of how it feels. Take note of how it didn’t kill you. Notice how it’s not the end of the world if you miss something. Let that experience spark a train of thought and follow it. See where you wind up making changes based on this experience. 

I hope you learn, as I have had to, that saying no is a great way to take your power back. It will help you pivot into a better place in life and ultimately set you on a better path. I wish you all the best.

Until next time

May Peace be your guide.