Fatherless

Filling the hole left gaping. 

When I was four years old, my parents split up. I didn’t feel the effects immediately because everything around me went pretty smoothly. But, as years went by, I experienced a lot of chaos. I was the only single-parent household around, and everyone acted like it was a big deal. To me, it was just how things were. However, at the same time, I used to blame all my problems on my dad not being around. The angst that every teenager knows quite well, all my fears, my failures. They were all the fault of my dad who left, and the messed up household he left behind. As I got older, I wanted to start healing from the wounds my upbringing gave me. It’s a topic I have become passionate about. I wanted to share my journey with the world.

I want to write about this because I feel like there’s a need not being met in the world. A need that ought to be met. For the longest time, every time I tried to find helpful advice, I was met with dead ends. I turned to psychology for advice, and all I found was “there is no cure for a fatherless upbringing.” Just what every sick child wants to hear. 

Maybe there’s more to that argument than I’m giving it credit for.After all, I’m not the expert, what could I possibly know? But it’s sickening to me how much of psychology is a bunch of wishy-washy nonsense about how we don’t even know where to recommend people start healing. Even if it’s just to get the ball rolling, give me SOMETHING to start with! I couldn’t accept that I was hopeless. I couldn’t accept this answer, so I kept digging.

And digging

And digging. 

As I desperately searched for help, something miraculous started happening: I started improving! I won’t sugarcoat it: I don’t have a ton of respect for therapy. It’s good for the extreme cases, but I believe a lot of work and progress can be made on your own without the extra bills. I’m not one of those macho “just hack it” type guys, either. We can all make lots of progress on our minds and our wellbeing, but the bills and the wishy-washy “assistance” doesn’t suit me. If the goal is to have me make my own decisions, what is the point in a therapist getting involved in the first place? I believe on a certain level, we are all fatherless. This is not to say that 100% of households lack the male parent, but rather 100% of households lack 100% of the male parent’s influence. In plain english, every father is human and every human is imperfect. We all have father wounds on some level. Whether dad missed our championship baseball game that made personal history, or he left when he found out mom was pregnant, every kid has wounds from their dads. (I mean, moms too, but it feels like we talk about fatherlessness more. Maybe it’s just because I’m male. I don’t know.) The difference between those with bad dads and no dads is that us dad-less kids hog the spotlight. It’s more visible when dad wasn’t home at all. Sir Arthur's father might be a workaholic that doesn’t get home until his family lays their heads to rest, but we give him less attention than sir Bartholomew whose father disappeared shortly after his son’s birth. It’s not fair. We all have father wounds that need healing. So, if you technically had a father that did nothing more than ate and slept under the same roof, stay with me. This advice is for you too. 

I want to share my insights on things that have worked for me. Some of it has been backed by studies from the few experts that had something useful to say and some of it has been personal experience alone. I feel confident sharing these things because I am functioning well in life. Am I perfect? Absolutely not! But I have a big network of friends, and I can honestly say that I am in a good spot in life. I can see the good decisions to make, and have the mental fortitude to make them. Basically, I’m on the ball. I hope that the insights I have been given benefit you as much as they have benefitted me. If nothing else, I hope I can at least get the conversation started. 

As I started my journey to curing fatherlessness, four major categories started emerging. I don’t know if everything fits neatly into these four, but the vast majority of things seemed to fit nicely. The real benefit, however, is that these four categories started to propel me forward, rather than just help fit all my journals into easily-titled folders. I started to see that I could figure out where I was lacking, holding myself accountable to grow in these areas.When I would find myself spiraling, I would ask myself “in what category am I lacking?” So far, I’ve always been able to fit it into one of these four:

Competence

Confidence

Wisdom

Values

Competence should be fairly obvious. Can I change the oil in my car? Am I capable of throwing a punch? Can I cook a meal? Basically, can I do stuff? It’s a mix of practical skills and knowledge. I put them under the same roof because they answer the question “can I function in the world?” If you were given a year in this modern-day jungle of life, would you survive? Your competence level is how well you can do for yourself to survive. The beauty of this is that it’s simple to remedy. The only skill you have to practice is to get comfortable admitting you don’t know something. The better you get at this, the more comfortable you can get even going out of your way to figure out where you need to grow. I keep a google keep tab pinned to the top of my dashboard. Every time I discover something I don’t know much about, I jot it down.Then, I schedule some time each week to work on learning these skills. Even just ten minutes a week will get you somewhere. Heck, you could just keep one big youtube playlist so that you know where to go when you need a certain skill. As long as you are prepared to handle the situation when it arises.   

Confidence is how well you feel about your odds of survival. It’s the emotional stability in the face of opposition. Plain english: it’s feeling good about what you can do. You don’t need to know how to do everything to be on top of a situation, you just need to know what steps you need to take first.It’s ok not to know how to fix the problem, you just need to have access to the resource that does. I look at it like this: I can’t bench press a bus. Never have, never will. Does this bother me? No. Should this bother me? Also no. I’m not lazy and I’m not going to beat myself up for not doing more at the gym. It’s just something I’m not able to do. Most examples that start to bug us don’t seem as impossible, but it’s still unreasonable to feel bent out of shape about it. That feeling is the difference. The more undisturbed you are, the better. Specifically when a parent wasn’t there to affirm who you are, it can feel like you’re worthless. I still contend with that sometimes. But I have made massive improvements on myself because I recognized this as a category and have started taking action about it. I believe rituals are a big key to recovery. Taking some time to be intentional about recognizing that you have achieved something, and have made progress towards getting somewhere is important. I will say no more because I want to do a separate entry on rituals, specifically how to write your own for yourself. The point is parents are supposed to recognize their kids' worth. Without one parent there, the child doesn’t get as much recognition, which leads to problems.  

Wisdom is…well…Oh boy…

There are far smarter men that have gone ‘round in circles trying to figure out exactly what wisdom is. We aren’t going there today. By wisdom, I mean how well you use what you have, and to what ends. Let’s suppose I have a car that starts breaking down in the middle of the highway. In my contacts list, I have a friend who is a mechanic, and would be willing to help if I needed him. In my brain, I have no certified experience with cars. In my passenger seat I have my mother, who I’m not too keen on putting in harm’s way. An UNwise decision would be to fiddle with the car myself. An even less wise decision would be to wait until it completely collapses in the middle of the road. A wise decision would be to call my friend or, at least, pay a visit to a trusted mechanic. You don’t have to have all the competencies to make a wise choice, you just need to start to take inventory of what you have, and to make decisions accordingly. 

It takes slowing down and thinking through your decisions a bit to start getting the hang of this. What has helped me grow in wisdom is to look back at how I have handled past situations, and see how I could have handled them better. This is also something I like to journal a lot about. Many times I don’t have to figure out what decision I should make, but I have some sort of mental barrier around doing it. Maybe it’s that masculine instinct to try to figure it out on my own, maybe it’s a childhood wound I haven’t tended to  yet. Maybe it’s just a habit that needs breaking. Whatever it may be, journaling about decisions I need to make has helped me clear my head and make the wisest choice. What you lack in competence, you can make up for with a mix of confidence and wisdom. 

Values refer to the “ought’s.” I know things are more of a free-for-all nowadays, but certain decisions are still more moral than others. I’m not an expert on morality systems, but I’m pretty confident in saying that stealing is a worse decision than buying your own stuff. Things like fair play, integrity, honesty, and responsibility need to be nurtured into people. Without them, we make a mess of our lives. 

Values also refer to the ought’s of our place in the world. Whether it’s what it means to be a man or woman, the respect one should show for their elders, and so on. I like to think of values as the road to a meaningful life. Whereas everything else discussed so far has been about survival, values are about thriving. They’re about leading a life that will be fulfilling. Many people see these “should-be’s” as constricting. I have heard people say it limits their freedom, and it’s oppressive. I’ll admit that there is a fear in disciplining yourself, and sometimes you don’t immediately see the benefit compared to the thrill you may have had, but in the long run, good values guide one towards living a healthy life. Good values are not only helpful for the individual person, but for anyone they come in contact with. Ultimately, good values make the world a better place. 

On top of seeing the various areas in which I could grow, these categories have helped me compartmentalize when I am feeling bad about something. Instead of bashing myself over the head for some obscure fact I didn’t know, I have started realizing that this category is one of many. Mess ups have started to feel smaller because it’s one dent in one category. I still have a lot of things I am good at.

The trick to healing parent wounds is to see where you are lacking in these categories, and grieve the loss that came with them. I have found it important to take moments to feel sad about how better things could have been if I had just been more fully developed in these areas. After this grieving process, I start picking myself up and developing what I’m lacking. I’ve made a lot of progress in my wellbeing as a person, and I have my tenacity, and my God to thank for that. I’ll dive into some more specific stories in due time, but for now the four categories are what I want to leave you with.   

Ultimately, these four categories have been my roadmap to growth and recovery. I’m not a perfect 10 in any of these categories, not by a longshot. However, it’s been a great way to assess where I need to focus my efforts, and to start to develop ways to grow effectively. I will be sharing later some of the methods I have used to grow in each of these categories, but for now I just want to convey that they exist. I want to encourage you to take these ideas and toy with them on your own. See if they work in your own life. If they don’t, change them some to see what works for you. Either way, I would love to hear your thoughts on this, and what you think about these insights. 

Until next time

Go in peace.