Fatherlessness: we're all part of it

Growing up, kids were divided into two groups: those with dads, and those without. We treated the two groups like they were very different categories: those with dads lead happy, healthy lives. They couldn’t imagine how much it must suck to live without one of their parents around. (This wasn’t said in a judgemental way, but definitely one of pity. It was like we had it worse off than everyone else.) I remember one time I was talking to a friend, and he made one of these comments. “I can’t imagine what it would be like to not have my dad around. It must suck for you.” 

Now, in case you are new here, I hadn’t had my dad fully around since my age was in the single digits. By this point in time, I spent Saturdays with my dad at his house, but that was it. The response I had for my friend was pretty simple. “In the same way that your dad being home is normal, my dad being not home is normal.” 

I’m not so naive as to argue that it’s that simple. The effects of not having a dad present are definitely different from that of having a dad in the house. I remember wanting to go over to my friend's place on the weekends because his house was so much calmer. There was less noise at his house. We got yelled at less, and it was less of a surprise if we did. 

But, at the end of the day, I think there’s something to be said for my response to my friend. A few days ago, I got a visit from Captain Obvious. He decided to come remind me of something really important: DADS ARE PEOPLE TOO! I realized that I had fallen into the trap of thinking that the grass was greener on the other side, where the kids with two parents lived. I’m not trying to say that everyone has it just as bad, but my point is that no one has it perfect. Everyone has parent wounds on some level, because everyone’s parents fail them. Everyone will, at some point in their lives, say the words “I’m only human.” Somewhere deep in our bones, we all know we are going to make a mistake or two. You might not say the right thing when a friend needs comforting, you might show the wrong act of kindness, you might be tired and spout off at someone you shouldn’t have. We all do it, and we all know it’s part of who we are as humans. Human love, in any shape or form, is only so fulfilling. Even the best human relationships will fall short because they're relationships with imperfect people.

So, does this mean that we should just give up hope on our relationships? After all, if someone is just going to let me down, why should I even try, right?

Nope!

It means we need to get really good at forgiveness, first of all. More and more nowadays, I see a mentality that says we should run at the first sign of discomfort. I hear breakups justified with lines like “if it was meant to be, it wouldn’t be so hard,” and “we just fell out of love.” Friendships end with lines like “we’ve just become too different.” I’m not saying you should stay with someone if they’re a horrible person, but we don’t fight for these things anymore. 

As someone who’s into martial arts, I turn everything back into fighting analogies. Every fighter steps into the ring knowing they will take a punch. It’s going to happen. But that doesn’t stop them, it just makes them prepare for it. Gamers, similarly, rarely go through a game without needing to respawn. Even less finish with a perfect win, losing no hp. These things happens. Is it encouraged? Not quite. Do we get bent out of shape when we learn the hard way that this game has fall damage? Nope! We just brush it off and keep going. 

Sometimes we need to learn to brush these things off like paper cuts and heal without giving up. Even if you were to cut your parents off when you leave home, that pain still follows you around. It’s in your best interest to start to learn how to heal, and what better place to learn than the first relationship a person ever has?

But, even if your parents were perfect, even if your mom and dad stayed together and had the perfect marriage, even if they were there for every moment: good and bad, even if they reacted exactly as they should to every situation, there would be something missing. I used to blame bad parenting for all my problems. It’s easy to assume everything would be perfect if only mom and dad had been perfect, but they're not. It’s true, a lot would have been better, but not everything. As many have pointed out in many different ways over the years, there’s a “God-shaped hole” in all our hearts. He designed us to live close to Him. In the beginning, we walked the garden with Him, talked the garden with Him. We named the animals and showed Him the names we picked out (I still want to know why we went with “Platypus.") 

God wants to bring us back to that point. He’s a friend waiting at the door, knocking. Like any good friend, he won’t just break in if you don’t want Him there but He’s there, itching to hang out with you. He’s eagerly waiting with popcorn and a movie, twelve different board games, an xbox with Halo, and a dozen other things to do. But He won’t force you to hang out. After all, what good friend spends time nagging someone who doesn’t want them around? Not too many. 

Maybe you’re like my mom, who has accused me of being too poetic and metaphorical. Maybe you are sitting here thinking “all this sounds nice, but what does this actually look like in real life?” I used to think people were delusional whey they would say things like “my father sucked, but God is my father." I have since learned about what it truly means to have someone pick me up from the mess I've made and build something new out of me.

Although dining with the King of kings looks different for everyone, here’s my go-to description. Sometimes you hear a song and you think it sounds nifty. Maybe you’re just having an average day, and a breakup song comes on the radio. Now, the best breakup songs hit no matter what; but if you’re having a good day, the impact will still come to a point. However, if you were to hear the same song right after your partner of 5 years breaks it off on Christmas eve, it’s going to hit like a freight train going at top speed! 

"Random" things start to feel a little more relevant. They go from being coincidence to “coincidence.” For me, it has usually been undeniable when the moment comes. It hits so hard that I’ve picked up the torch and run twelve miles before I have ever stopped to ask if I ran in the right direction. It touches you so distinctly that you just start running.

I could probably write an entire separate entry on what communing with God is like. I’m not the first to write about such a thing, and I’m definitely not the first to experience it, but it will probably happen in time. Until that time, I hope you give your parents, your kids, your neighbors and friends a break this holiday season. Even the worst people around you are still people (yes, even that cranky neighbor with the dog that never shuts up.) I double-dog dare you to give them a break this holiday season. Maybe even have a conversation that's been long overdue in a relationship that needs repair. Who knows, you may even find yourself better off than you were before. You’ll never know unless you try!

Till next time

Cheers!