"feelings lie"

I used to hear this phrase a lot growing up. “Don’t trust your feelings, because feelings lie! You want your decisions to be based on God, not leftover lasagne!” I have wrestled with this for years. I have come to the conclusion that everyone is both right and wrong about this issue. The problem is simply the fact that we aren’t articulating ourselves very well, so we are lumping different things into similar categories. 

When I first heard the phrase, I was confused because the way I process things is through intuition. The way I come to my best conclusions is through seeing the big picture. It’s like connecting the dots. First, I understand points A, B, and C, then I start to see the lines that connect them. The relationship between these bits of information becomes clear and I start to see how everything works, along with why it works. Because of how I understand things, answers come to me quickly. Sometimes, I reach a point where I can “feel” the right answer. Are you starting to see the problem? 

As I started thinking about all this, I realized there are some other wonky things about this “feelings don’t lie” mantra. What about things like our sense of time? Isn’t that a sort of feeling? Are you telling me the impulse that tells me whether or not I will make it through the yellow light before it turns red is completely false as well? It may not have needle-point accuracy, but it seems to work pretty well to me. What about our sense of taste, or hearing, or smell? Are those all liars as well? I think there is credibility to our instincts, our intuitions, and our “feelings.” 

But I’m also not a fan of letting anything go unexamined. I have spent time observing these liar-feelings, and have found some interesting results. For a while, I felt like I could predict how things were going to go, not just in my own life, but in other people’s lives as well. I would examine the decisions they were thinking about making and say “oh, that will never work!” Naturally, they would call me a pessimist and try it anyway. Then guess what? I wound up being right! But then, there were other times when I wasn’t sure, or was sure things wouldn’t work out, and I wound up being wrong! Turns out my gut feelings are pretty good, but not perfect. 

I think a lot of these “feelings” are subconscious processing. We are thinking things through before we are able to put it into words. Intuition is us thinking things through before we are fully paying attention to the process. We need this ability to make split-second decisions. If you were to see your kid wandering towards the road, you wouldn’t weigh the pro’s and con’s of yelling at the kid versus walking over calmly. Maybe you should do nothing at all and let the cards fall where they may.  NO!

When you see your kid in danger, you leap into action, sprinting at full speed to keep them from the oncoming danger. We need that “feeling” to be able to save the day!

I think what they were trying to get at was the need to process big decisions. A better version would be “don’t be quick to act if you don’t have to be.” Sometimes a decision feels right, but if you don’t have to make an immediate decision, don’t. Figure out why you feel that way. Maybe a college tour made a good first impression. That’s important, but always go for a second reason. If you’re like me, you may even go for a third or even fourth reason. Now is the time to make that list of pro’s and con’s. The bigger the decision, the more need there is to not be hasty. Don’t be impulsive, and don’t base your decision on something shallow. 

And yet, I have also found that there is no way to guarantee results. It’s important to always do your very best to make the wisest decisions, but no one here on the face of the earth has 100% of the information. Our judgment will one day fall short, that much is certain. We will do our best, plan our course, even doing so without our “feelings,” and still have things turn out badly.In those moments, we need to be able to give ourselves grace for our shortcomings. We need to learn what made things go badly. Maybe there was something at play we didn’t realize would make a difference. Maybe we forgot about something important. Maybe there was a question that needed to be asked. Whatever it is, we didn’t think of it and that’s ok. What’s not ok is knowing that we fell short and making the same mistakes over and over anyway. That’s just plain silly.  

Let me give you one example of this. A few years ago, I got to go car shopping for the first time. I didn’t know a lot about what I was and was not looking for, so I got a little advice. But no advice is quite like jumping in and figuring it out. I wound up buying a 2006 Buick Lacrosse. I took it for a test-drive and it seemed nice enough. I did a few checks of my own, and the dealership made sure it wasn’t in need of any repairs when they inspected it themselves. I called my pop-pop and asked his opinion, and he gave me his own seal of approval, so I went ahead and bought the Buick. 

That Buick made it about six months before it started having issues. Now, when I say issues, I don’t mean little stains in the carpet or cracks in the windshield,  I’m talking major repairs. Ignition coils, gasket covers, and so on. Eventually we reached a point where it wasn’t worth repairing, so I scrapped it. It was so bad it wasn’t even worth selling! At first I was annoyed at myself. I did my best and that didn’t cut it. I decided to learn from this experience and get insight from others about cars whenever I could. I have since learned a lot about which models to look for, and what price points to expect them at. I picked up more tips and tricks about shopping for cars, and how to find the best deals. I have learned a lot, made my best even better, but I don’t beat myself up when I lose. Life is already thumping me over the head for my mistakes, so why should I join in? I just keep learning so that I can do better next time. 

Thus, feelings don’t lie. Gut feelings, our sense of timing, and the hot bile that follows the smell of a dumpster are all feelings that are right about something. But there is no one thing that always triumphs. But just like there is a time and place for a split-second decision, there is another time and place to take your time. You wouldn’t want to go to a crappy college because you liked their logo, would you? Make good decisions, do your very best in everything you do. Give it your all with every foe you face. But then, don’t be crushed when you are eventually defeated. It’s alright to get it wrong every now and then. What’s not alright, however, is to let a wrong turn be your downfall. So always remember to always get back up and try again. 

Until next time

May peace be your guide.