#5 Immunity to fear

Do you remember the second person you dated? Or, anyone after the first for that matter? Have you ever contemplated how things felt that time, compared to the first? I ask this because there’s a certain type of feeling you get when you know you are in a certain place in a repeating story. 

“Oh, this is the part where…”

“Oh yeah, this is the stage when…”

fill in the blank with whatever you want, but we have all been there at some point with something. But the idea got me thinking: why can’t we do this with fear? What is stopping us from saying:

“oh, this is the part where my heart starts racing!” 

“Right on time with the list of how badly this could go!” 

What is stopping us from becoming so accustomed to fear that we are prepared for our reactions? I almost want to say that we should become immune to fear. Does that sound odd to you? I certainly don’t think so! 

But there is a caveat to this- a sort of “trickiness” to making this happen. The problem is that we don’t exactly like fear. I don’t mean that it isn’t in my personality to dislike fear. Although that may be true, I believe that the mind has all sorts of tricks up its sleeve to keep us from facing the threats that we think will kill us. Let me explain why I’m so convinced. 

For years, I walked around with a backpack full to the brim with fears. Fear of failure, fear of looking stupid, fear of bees! If I could be scared of it, I eagerly stuffed it in the bag. I was a collector of fears, trying to see how full I could pack that bag! But I walked around with that bag and couldn’t see it! I was completely blind to all this baggage that I was carrying! Then I woke up one day and realized what a mess I was. It was like a blindfold was lifted from my eyes and I saw all the things I was avoiding. I couldn’t believe just how much I was carrying, and how heavy life was. 

We all have blind spots. We do what we have to so we can keep from seeing all that we have to fear. So how do we overcome fear if we can’t see what we are scared of? Well, you may not be able to completely empty out the closet overnight, but the journey of a thousand miles starts with one step, right? And that first step is to find something that might make you uncomfortable and do it! This could be anything from going to a concert or bar with lots of people, to sitting in your room alone for a few days. Whatever seems natural to you, take some time to do the opposite. 

And as you do, take note of your thoughts. True, the club might not be the best place to whip out a pad and pen to scribble down things that come to mind, so you may need to save it for afterwards, but take some time to reflect on the experience. What thoughts start to surface from down in the deep? You might find that you didn’t just hate loud noises, but that the overwhelming number of people made you feel unsafe. And although it may be the case that you simply don’t like being alone, it may point out that you feel incompetent. You may discover that you feel the need to keep someone around to think things through because you believe you’re actually pretty forgetful.

And if you think that was me calling you out, take a deep breath. Those were actually some of my own thoughts from over the years! But the more uncomfortable experiences I have had, the more I have seen the repeating patterns. I’ll catch myself in the moment where I make a mistake, saying “Oh, lookie! Here’s where we start the downward spiral!” And although I still have to ride the roller coaster of my emotions, I find a deeper comfort because I know one thing with absolute certainty: this is just a moment, and it will be over soon. 

But I still have to ride the roller coaster (though it feels more like the flume, with nothing but a 30-foot drop!) I still have to experience the self-loathing, the embarrassment, and regret of the moment. But with each step of the way, if you were to ask me how I was doing, I could confidently say “I’ll be fine, just give it a minute.” Because I have seen this all before. It’s nothing new! I’m in charge of the process. It’s like a bruise to me now. Yes it hurts, yes it’s sore; but give it a few days, and I’ll be good as new! By now, I’m an expert at it, and you can be too! You just have to work on the process of getting out there! 

And although you can work on this as a project of its own, I have often found that the burdens we are so desperately looking to shed are actually the ones that keep us from where we want to be. For me, my perfectionism was what was holding me back from my love of community. I couldn’t connect with others because I felt I had to be perfect for them to like me. Sometimes you have something major in your head worth examining, and it would be criminal for you to leave yourself unexamined.  

I think there is actually another layer of fear to deal with, here. Some of those things that bother us aren’t just “I'm scared of X,” but rather “I’m scared of X because it’s keeping me from Y.” In other words, the terror that grips me when I think about bees seems to stay in a box, because it’s just a matter of bees making me uncomfortable. But if a certain fear has popped into your head by this point, it may be the case that there is something you really want just beyond it. You might be worried that your friend will turn on you because you want to be someone who has quality friendships. You might be worried about your workout routine because you want to sleep well. It’s worth looking at the things that make you uncomfortable, those things that initially make you say “meh, that’s not for me.” 

But don’t be discouraged if you don’t immediately strike gold in your findings. It takes time to figure out the inner workings of your mind and what makes you tick. Even more so if you are trying to do it all alone! I recommend seeking out a good friend to talk to, someone you can intentionally commit to learning about and being understood by. If that doesn’t work out, I have also had success with a life coach. Just make sure you find someone that helps you understand yourself. Don’t get a guru that wants to tell you that you’re too complex to understand. You are more than capable of understanding your own mind if you give it enough time. 

At the end of the day, you can face your fears, and reach a point where you’re familiar with, and immune to, the flume of fear. I pray that you are able to begin developing an understanding of who you are and what you are averse to. Take some time this week to jot down just one thing that you felt afraid of. Think of it like the matching sides of two magnets: the closer they get to each other, the more you have to push on them. Find your magnet and explore it! You’ve got this!

Until next time

May Peace be your guide.