manhood: it's not complicated

One thing I can confidently say that I am good at is overthinking things. I think and I think and I think, and when I’m done thinking, I laugh to myself because I’m never done thinking, so I think some more! But if there’s any one thing that characterizes men, it’s our ability to do. For better or worse, we are the doers of the world (if you need proof, google “why women live longer than men.” You will laugh your way through three heart attacks.) 

This is not to say we don’t have brains, it’s simply a matter of how we use them. We jump into the fire and figure things out as we go. Is it the best way to do things? Eh. Do we get the job done anyway? Most of the time. What I’m trying to say is that there isn’t a big mystery behind being a man. It isn’t rocket science. Anyone can be a good man. I lean towards mystifying the whole thing. “Those guys over there, who grew up with dads, they have it all figured out.” Well, not quite. They don’t carry the grief and the scars, but they’re just people too. 

But there are two things that I believe a fathered child has that I often find myself lacking: affirmation and accountability. I believe these are important things that help a man stay on course. Nowadays, we toss both of these in the trash, seeing them as a sign of weakness. The need for friendship, mentorship and sharpening have been replaced with lone-wolf heroes, mistrust, and self-sufficiency. Believe me, I get it, but that doesn’t make it right. Let’s take a moment to dig into these two deficiencies and see what we can do for ourselves. 

The first of these is affirmation. We can do all sorts of “manly” things, but if they come from a place of insecurity, we will reek of desperation. Sometimes the biggest problem can be nothing more than the fact that we simply believe that we’re not “man enough.” We don’t know enough about cars, don’t have big enough muscles, and so on. There will always be a reason to say you aren’t man enough. Does that mean that none of us truly are? Thankfully, that isn’t quite the case. The one who isn’t doing his duty as a man is the one who doesn’t jump in the fight when danger arrives. You don’t have to be the world’s greatest mechanic to be a great man, but you have to be the one that makes the problem your problem. It’s all about the willingness to see that things get resolved. 

This reminds me of my days as a handyman. When I worked at the mall, I had a lot of problems I didn’t solve. My job was basically to slap a band-aid on the problem and get someone else to fix it. I can’t count how many Sundays I would come in and get a call about a roof leak, and my only job was to text a picture of it to my boss, stick a bucket and sign under the leak and call it a day. It frustrated me, but it also changed how I saw big problems. There is a time and a place to jump in without being able to fix it all. The problem isn’t yours alone to bear, but it’s up to you to control where it goes. In my case, I wasn’t the world’s greatest roofer, but I had to make this problem mine instead of a random shopper’s. We need to be the ones that look our kids and wives in the eye and say “stay calm, it’s safe here because I am handling it.” 

 Safety. That’s our priority. Not our safety, but the safety of those around us. We were built to be able to live with less safety so that others could have more. It’s in our DNA. We were built to be stronger and calmer so we could be protectors. Where do you think the adage “real men don’t cry” comes from? It stems from the need to tuck those feelings away so we can think clearly. Does that mean we will keep it together all the time? Probably not. Does this mean that everyone will be perfectly safe as long as we are around? Geez, I wish!  We’re men, not machines! But we are the frontline, the filter, the wall. Danger that wants to get anywhere has to go through us first. 

My point in saying these things is this: if you’re doing your darndest to step up to the plate and be the wall for those important to you, pat yourself on the back. That’s what it’s all about. You can learn about cars and guns and construction and everything else under the sun to become better at your calling, but if you are stepping up, you’re a man. Write it down, say it in a mirror, make those goofy gorilla-like hoorah’s in the car if you have to, but take a second to acknowledge yourself as a man. Remind yourself not to over-complicate things or mystify manhood. It’s toughness, it’s willingness, but most of all: it’s you.

I believe that’s the first thing we are lacking: we don’t recognize ourselves as men. We have no clue what it means to be a man, so that means we obviously don’t have it. I have started to remind myself that I am a good man, and have done my best to jump into the fires when I need to. It has helped me to reclaim my masculinity. All the “man stuff” like loving meat and shooting guns, they’re just fun and games. They don’t make the man, they express him. We naturally gravitate towards these things because of who we are. But if you don’t like stereotypical “manly” stuff, don’t sweat it! You’re still a good man! 

And while I’m on this topic, let me add a little more to this. If you don’t consider yourself to be a natural tough guy, don’t write me off. This is for you too! I was never the toughest dog in the yard. I never did sports, I’ve never shot a gun, and, as embarrassing as it is to admit, I even had a vegetarian phase. Yep! You heard me: for a while, I thought meat was gross. Thankfully, I have been brought back to the light, but I was there. My life has taken me to some dark places. 

Jokes aside, I do want to encourage those who don’t feel like they fit the mold. To you, I say: baby steps. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and you can’t swallow an elephant whole. Find those small steps you can take to not only step in the direction you need to go in, but to nurture the passion for it. Start lifting some weights, even if they’re light. Buy yourself a book on something you have always wanted to learn about. Find a youtube channel and save it for later if you can’t afford the book. The one thing you must have to be able to move is the hope that you can move. And the way to get it is to prove it to yourself. In due time, you can see you are able to hold your own with any other schmuck in the room. Then you will start to realize that the biggest mouths aren’t actually the most competent, their superpower is their booming voice and that’s it. If you actually commit to being more, you’ll leave most of the “scary” guys in the dust with ease. Then you’ll find the men on the other side: the ones that truly want to see you grow and flourish in every possible way. You’ll get there, but you have to direct your feet to march. The door’s open, you just need to walk through it. 

The other thing I want to focus on is accountability. I won’t sugarcoat it: being a first responder isn’t always easy. Sure, sometimes you can get pumped up for something, but not every fight will be thrilling. There will come a time in every man’s life when he is caught between what he would like to do and what he should do. Maybe a friend needs a ride at the same time that the boxing match is on. Maybe your brother needs the money you were saving for a new gaming console. Will you choose to meet those needs or will you shy away from the people that need you most? We can’t do it all ourselves. We need other men around us to encourage us to do what we must, to strengthen us and grow us into who we should be. We need someone to help push us back into the fire when every fiber of our being wants to back down. We also need those to help us grow and be better. By no means are we supposed to just be stubborn. The bible says Jesus grew in wisdom, stature, and favor of God and men. It doesn’t say His head grew harder. It doesn’t say He grew stuck in His ways. It says He got wiser. We must also become wiser, and learn how to better deal with the problems we face. As Rocky once said “no one hits harder than life…you gotta take the hits without pointing fingers.” We need other people to remind us to focus on what we are doing that we shouldn’t. Sure, I can’t change the boss that fired me because he didn’t like me. But what part did I play in it all? What do I have in my own life that I need to work on? We all have something, and a good man loves his brother enough to see him do better. A good friend doesn’t see us as we are, but what we could be. We need those kinds of friends in our lives. 

If you don’t have those kinds of friends, don’t worry. They will come. I’m a little lacking in this department at the moment myself, but I believe I am where I’m supposed to be. That’s the peace that comes with following the King. Often, I stress out about this, saying “God, am I doing enough? Am I being enough, am I working enough?” I would work myself into an early grave if not for the gentle, quiet voice that says “chill out, doofus! You’re doing just fine. You’re right on the track I have before you.” I still don’t believe it most days, but He keeps bringing me back, reminding me again and again with a patience I can’t even begin to fathom. Nobody will ever be as good a friend as Jesus, but we can do our best, right? 

I hope you continue to grow as a man. If these words have found their way to someone that isn’t a man, I hope they have done you some good anyway. I hope your day is great and your heart is strong.

Until next time

May Peace be your guide.