Music

And what has become of it years later.

I thought this might be fun, as my relationship with music was my identity growing up. Buckle up, kids, because this story goes places!

Like many kids who grew up in the early 2000’s, I made my own CD’s. I won’t say it was just us poor kids that had this experience, but I will say that it separated the rich kids from the rest of us. I used to download my music song by song, so I got to be picky when selecting my own personal medley. Mostly, it was soundtrack bits from my favorite movies, and a handful of others that somehow caught my eye. 

My CD player and I made it to about the fifth grade, when I inherited an ipod nano (I had friends in high places.) Suddenly, I could have access to all the songs a lad could possibly hope for all at once! Call me slow, but I made it a whole year before I decided to abuse this power. One day I woke up and decided I wanted to get my library to 1,000 songs. (And, before you ask: yes, I technically committed what we call “piracy,” but it was in Europe. That sort of thing is legal over there.) 

I started asking everyone I could find for suggestions. These suggestions basically set the foundation for my music taste. Everything I hold dear music-wise was founded either during that season, or shortly thereafter. Bands like Papa Roach, Nickelback, even Black Veil Brides, were bands I discovered while looking to expand my musical horizons. How strange: my reckless antics altered the course of my high school life. 

I think what deepened my relationship with music was in middle school. Between the friendships I couldn’t seem to keep, living in a country I couldn’t stand, and having two 45-minute sessions a day to do nothing but sit in peace, I got plenty of time with my music. But it wasn’t just the amount of time I spent with it, it meant something to me. I wasn’t very happy with my life back then. One of the most distinct things I remember about middle school was waiting for it to be over. People kept telling me that the next chapters of life were the better ones (if you’re in that boat now, I’d say they were right. I much prefer adulthood.) 

The other thing that deepened my relationship with music was travel. In case you didn’t know, I have as much love for travel as a cactus has huggable sides! I still groan when I find out I have to fly, wince when I have to do a road trip, and sneer when I have to go anywhere further than a few hours. Why can’t everyone just stay home like I do? Anyway, one of the big things I would do on these trips was load up my ipod for the journey. After all, it fits in your pocket, and the TSA would never complain about that tiny square you could fit in the palm of your hand! (As an aside, travel was also why I developed a fashion sense, also centered around music.) 

Lastly, the big reason music went from an interest to an identity was because of community. Back then, it felt like a great avenue to make friends. It was like finding out someone lived just down the street! “Oh, you listen to the same bands? We are best friends now!” I would tell people. Connections felt instant, and they always felt like they went somewhere. I remember one day I was walking through the mall, wearing my “Black Veil Brides” shirt, when I caught someone else wearing a “Black Veil Brides” shirt! I looked at this big fella, and he looked at me, and we exchanged nods of approval. “Black Veil Brides!” He shouted to me, as he shook his devil horns in my direction. 

As time went on, this type of interaction felt more and more scarce. After a while, it became replaced with more and more elitism and prejudice. It went from a way to make friendships, to a way to break friendships. “Oh, you like similar bands? Let’s be friends!” Became “Oh, you think we share a common genre? Of course not! I have a far superior palette to you, swine!” I remember one time I was in a facebook group, expressing my excitement about the albums I got for christmas. I got a truckload of comments, and 90% of them were “that isn’t true metal, get out of here!” I wasn’t crushed, but it made me take a step back from what I thought I had found. 

I think the other thing that eventually brought an end to the thing that was my very identity, was the fact that life got better. The aggressive music was cathartic for me, so when those sources of frustration started going away, so did my need to express it. Turns out, when there’s no anger coming in, there’s no anger you need to let out. For a while, it was a bit confusing, (I even went through a big dubstep phase in college, if you can believe that!) But eventually, I started chipping away at the idea that music had to be the thing that defined me. Even good music started to become just music. I didn’t feel the need to carry headphones around with me anymore, and some days I felt like I was forcing myself to listen to something. I spent years trying to figure out what to do with myself. I had to take a lot of time to pick up all the pieces and make something new out of them. It was confusing, but that’s life: it changes, rearranges, whether we want it to or not. And sometimes, our good thing comes to an end. 

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate metal. This isn’t the part where I announce that “Jesus saved me from my heinous music taste! Woe was me! I was lost and now I’m found!” No. If you like metal, like metal. It’s great for you. I still listen to some stuff from time to time, but it doesn’t feel like me anymore. I cherish my peace more than I cherish my angst. I found myself saying more and more “I’m not an angsty teen anymore.” Not to try to force myself into a new lifestyle, but as a means of shedding the old. Now, when I listen to metal, I still like what I like, but I don’t feel the need to grow in it. I visit it like someone visits a memory. 

Yeah, pretty crazy, right? I can almost see some of yall that knew me back then gasping, slapping your faces like Kevin McCalister in shocking disbelief (Home Alone, anyone?) Would it surprise you even more that one of my top-played artists now is actually...

THE NEWSBOYS?I’m scared to write this, in fear of having some sort of violent relapse, but yeah, it hits the spot just right in the morning driving into work. Like I said, I enjoy a little of this and a little of that, but they, along with a few others, are starting to feel like the new “me.” I know I get a bit preachy when I write, so I’m not going to go there today. I thought it might be fun for y'all that knew me way back when to see this radical change that has happened. I can’t tell this story of my life without chuckling, sometimes a little sheepishly because it feels strange to try to admit. I’ve changed. I mean, we all change, but this change feels like a big deal. I mean, it’s still a little odd sometimes trying to imagine who I am without the angst, the black clothes, and so on. Heck, I'm no longer even the guy that is always saying “screw you!” 

I’ve come a long way in some aspects, but in others I haven’t. It’s hard to articulate, even for me, but there are some parts of me that never feel like they change, they just reshape. I find when people remark about how much I have changed, I usually respond with “this has always been me!” 

Maybe it has, maybe it hasn’t. I can’t really tell sometimes. 

I hope this entry finds you well. I hope it proves that people can, and do, change for the better. Even the things you thought would never change about someone can be spun around under the right circumstance. And, if nothing else, I hope this just plain amused you. Till next time

Cheers!