Musically Ever After

As a kid I sometimes had trouble focusing. Trouble regimenting myself to do and be all I ought to. I still have that sometimes. Heck, I had it today. Sometimes I wind up spending a little too much. I don’t typically go crazy, but the little things really do stack up. It gets away from me every now and then. It’s in those moments that music has always tasted the sweetest. It medicates the insecurities and helps me cope with the overwhelming toll of living. 

A lot of people used to ask me why I liked such aggressive, angry music. I think that’s my best answer. All the angst, all the frustration, the anger and rage-it all has to go somewhere. Sometimes, I’m just so defeated, so done with life, the universe and everything, that I want to just…

Scream. 

I’m too decent a person to do something as barbaric as punching through a wall or hurting someone else’s feelings. So instead I just turn the volume up. But the thing is that it rarely fixes the problem, just the pain. Music is my ibuprofen. Trouble is, it can sometimes be a little too easy to get addicted to painkillers. What’s worse is that it can create a vicious cycle. The worse your problems are, the better the music feels. The higher the stress levels, the more there is to relieve. It’s kind of like jumping into a hot tub after being out in the cold. There is definitely a second or two where it hurts like no tomorrow, but the best way to enjoy the warmth is to get in the cold first. 

That’s one of the reasons why I left heavy metal in high school. I wanted out of the cycle. I also found that my music had a way of pulling me back into sadness when life was going well. I remember asking myself one day what a version of me without the angst would look like. That was when I set out to become a fan of dubstep. And yes, I mean it when I say “set out.” Just like I didn’t like heavy metal when I first heard it, I wasn’t in love with techno at first either. I had to learn about it, explore it. Heck, I even tried to write a little bit of it (it wasn’t too bad, either.) But the point of the whole endeavor was to discover a me outside of the cycle of pain and catharsis that I had created growing up. 

And now I have a fondness for the technological genre that goes beyonds the sounds and noises of the tracks I discover. To me, dubstep is my “happily ever after” soundtrack. The weird thing is that it isn’t my next obsession. I’m not hooked on it to the point that I need it on a daily basis. Dubstep has set me free, in a sense. 

I still have my days where my old ways call out for me. It’s not like I suddenly changed and lost touch with the old me-far from it! What it really means is that I have something else to default to when I’m having a good day, or even a “meh” day. When life gets really rough, I’ll still turn up something sad, angry or angsty. But those days are few and far between and when I’m not there already, I can keep the bad patterns from roping me back in. 

I know I made it sound like I disowned rock ‘n’ roll in the name of techno. I wouldn’t quite go that far. I still love rock. I’m inspired by a genre that has its own culture. I’m moved by the way interests like music bring people together. In the hard rock scene, you barely even need to mention the bands that you have been listening to, people just bond over the exchange of the horns sign and that goofy face where you stick your tongue out as far as you can. 

I also love the rich history involved with the genre. I love hearing the people that I see as legends talk about the people that they see as legends. Then I’ll listen to those guys and it’s like I’m listening to double legends! The experience goes beyond words. One of my favorites is Papa Roach. I grew up obsessing over them above almost anything else. Now I hear more “classic” rock on the radio and hear the ways that some of the older legends have inspired the bands I grew up with. From the more official hall of fame to the lasting impressions that have been left on millions, rock n roll has been a big deal over the years. 

Thing is, though, that the whole “sex, drugs and rock n roll” thing has faded away, replaced by songs about depression, suicide and the troubles of life. I know, I know, a lot of them have been there for a while, but I feel like the days where rock was the place to turn for a good-time song are officially dead. I get that some people can tune out the darker lyrics in the name of a good tune. I’m just not one of them. There are exceptions, like ego trip, where I can jam out without feeling like I’m worrying about my pride, but it’s quite hard to find feel-good songs anymore. 

That’s why rock hasn’t been my first choice of music anymore. I’m happy to obsess over something really good. Heck, just yesterday I was blasting some Daughtry. Man, that guy can sing! I just feel like the number of non-depressing songs are dwindling. I would much prefer the aggression of hip-hop instead. Those beats feel good, too. But the more time passes, the more mellow I become. I can almost handle Christian tunes, though I still struggle with straight-up worship music. It always feels like the music is trying to slow my heart down til it stops completely. Not a peaceful feeling. 

If you’re out there and you love the noise of heavy music, more power to you! I’m still in your corner, but more as a guest than a member. When you make that connection to music, it’s like tapping into the source of life itself. I got to tune out a lot of the bad stuff growing up because I had my music. I’m convinced that half the reason I was so happy as a kid was because I had my head buried in those melodic sands. If you feel like you can’t come out, then don’t for now. 

But for those who aren’t in high school, or some other kind of hell, you may need to dig your head out for a bit. I have been doing it lately, and let me tell you:

It sucks. 

Thoughts and feelings rising, ones that I never knew I had and don’t know what to do with. Harsh realities that I need to be slapped in the face with. Anger and hate that need to be dealt with. They all stem from wounds that I spent my childhood numbing out. Though I never tried drugs or alcohol, I partied right through the pain because there was no other way. I couldn’t change some of the situations I was in, so I just had to learn to deal with them. 

The question is: do I think that’s alright? Is that a good way to live? Hmm. Do I think it’s ideal? Nah! There’s nothing right about having to go to a school you can’t stand, carrying around pain that you can’t quite put to words. It isn’t cool to have a loved one pass away all too suddenly, and far before their time. It isn’t fun to have to move away from everything you know in the middle of the years when you’re trying to figure yourself and life out. Nothing’s ideal about that. 

But it’s definitely a great coping mechanism. It helps to lock the pain in a cage where it stays put, keeping you from doing anything rash or even harmful. It helps coax you through the hard times, and get you out of your head for a bit. It can even help cope with the pain, helping you let out the pain and get back up. I can’t count how many times I have felt down in the dumps, only to have the right song there to help me get those feelings out. 

The hard thing we have to admit is that bad stuff has its day sometimes. The breakup happens when you were convinced that they were the one. The friend we thought would always be there stabs you in the back. High school ends. We grow up. Sadness is a part of life, and we can’t ignore it forever. At least when we have music, we have a space to go through those thoughts and feelings in a healthy way. 

To those that don’t get it, the space can seem scary. When they haven’t lived in the pain for a while, it can seem like a threat, a danger. Sad thing is that these “scary interests” can keep people from looking into our lives to see the real danger. Real pain stands at our door, knocking every hour, on the hour. If we can’t take care of the problem underneath, the scary interests will just keep coming. 

I think pain looks different to everyone. We might all feel sad, angry, depressed or lonely. But some want to curl up in a ball and cry. Others want to go out and hit a punching bag or lift some weights. We’re not all the same and we need that space to let the darkness run its course. The thing to look for is how much harm people are doing to themselves. Anything can be a drug if it’s used from a place of pain. That’s not to say we should be scared of everything, but that we should keep an eye out for the bad times going on in people’s lives. That way, we can deal with the real problems, instead of chasing symptoms. 

Not everyone likes dark stuff because of their pain, though. Others just like stuff because they like stuff. Not every single person that likes heavy metal has a dark and twisted past. Don’t immediately go there. All I’m really saying is that I had my own challenges growing up, and music made for a great coping mechanism. The sign to look for is how long someone can go without their music. If it’s days, then they’re fine. If it’s hours, then you might have a problem. 

And if it’s minutes, then, wow, I don’t even know what to say. 

And now I like dubstep. It’s fun, it’s funky, and most of all: it makes me feel good. Consistently good. It’s sort of a “brain off” genre-it works the same for whatever mood I’m in. It pulls me towards the same anchor, no matter how my day might have been. I do like to have a moment to flow through the emotion that I need to get out, but I don’t like to linger in it like I used to. I’ll throw on one sad song, then go back to wub-wubbing. I feel like I have a half-decent balance now. 

So yeah, that’s where I’m at. My “musically ever after.” I feel a bit torn sometimes, because I wish rock wasn’t what it is. But I feel that about most of the world from time to time, so I guess that’s just part of having a good, sharpened mind. Either way, it’s something for you to consider and a part of me that you now know. 

Until Next Time

May Peace be your Guide.