#3 Nice in denial?

Man, I’m not sure how to cover this one. All I know is I have to start you here because God started me here. You see, I thought I was doing pretty alright in life. I knew I didn’t have it all together, but I didn’t realize the log sitting in my own eye until God pointed it out to me. Let me tell the tale.

So I was sitting there, vision-boarding with my coach as we often do, and we ended our call on a note of needing to find a few hills to die on, and to seek out disagreement to help me grow. Around that time, I was wrapping up my current book, and working on deciding what to read next. What jumped out at me was a book called “no more mr. Christian nice guy.” I figured it fit the theme I was running with, so I picked it up. But little did I know that God was planning a sucker punch for me in those pages. A sucker punch that would pour out great pain, and ultimately produce immense healing.  

So I started reading. I got a few chapters in and I was on the fence about it. “God, you wanted me to read this?” I asked. But the very next night after saying that prayer, the magic began to unfold. With the turn of each page, I almost shouted out loud “holy crap! That’s me! Oh my goodness, someone else is having the same experiences?” It was in that moment that I knew why God wanted me to read this: He wanted me to see that I still have some nice guy in me. And not the type of nice you want, the type that’s scared to rock the boat. The type that doesn’t want anyone else to notice that he exists because he believes he isn’t a threat. It was as if God cleaned off the mirror and revealed to me that behind all the smudges and excuses I let take over, there was a kid scared of the stress that life can bring. I was terrified.

And yet, there’s always an excitement to these moments. Not because I can wish away all my problems, saying  “bippity-boppity-boo, no more problems for you!” But because once I can identify a problem, I can usually find a path to solving it. It doesn’t mean it will be easy, but I can build the roadmap. There’s a deep level of dread that gets lifted from my shoulders when I can identify the problem. It also shows me that there will be even better tomorrows ahead because I have a training weight I am going to shed. 

Anyway, after I had this epiphany, I started seeing confirmations everywhere. I started to see that I didn’t care about my dentist appointments, but most of my dread was in scheduling to take the day off. I was afraid of going to church because I knew I was going to fall short of what others expected of me. Everywhere I went, I saw evidence that this was the thing God wanted to point out to me. But what scares me the most is that I didn’t see it. I’m usually very perceptive, but this one sat there for years right under my nose. That’s a scary feeling! What’s more is that I had always been known as the opposite, so I always figured there was no way I had all this living inside me. Life is strange like that I guess. 

But this isn’t the part of the show where I go into how I was abused growing up, or had something terrible happen. That wasn’t really my story. It’s a hard thing to pinpoint because I think the problem I have faced is simply the fact that I grew up under a lot of stress in general. There was never any one thing that was that bad, it was the big picture; the fact that all these things happened at the same time. What I have started doing is personifying my upbringing. I have been playing around with a title and an understanding that works. It’s usually something that I'm just detached enough from that I know it isn’t that thing’s fault, it just works as a useful shorthand. I have dabbled with blaming my old house, my neighborhood, or the enemy himself. Whatever feels like it sticks is what I use that day.

And the one thing that seems to have stuck is to blame Ukraine. It’s nothing personal at all, it’s just a useful way to pin my problems to something solid. You see, I would hear stories from people from abusive homes and rough upbringings, and their stories would strike a harmony with me. I could relate to some of what they experienced and had going on. But when I, then, turned around and tried to blame this, that, or the other it would fall short. I would try to force the blame onto what I thought to be the problem, but it just never felt like I was hitting the mark. Eventually I created the fake demon in my head. I started looking at all of its little parts and realized that my problem was just the overall sense of stress I grew up with. That was all. 

And when I say “that was all,” I don’t mean it was a small thing. Heck no! I still have volatile reactions to certain reminders and memories because of how everything went. I just mean that it helps me reconcile the fact that I had these experiences, but can’t seem to find a singular responsible party. I never felt right pinning it all in one place, so I’m not going to. It all helps me make sense of my experiences. For example, certain crowds make me nervous. Strangers are fine, but the minute I might bump into someone I know, I’d rather barricade myself in my room with steel bars across my door. I’d rather not interact and be known some days because someone might tell me that I’ve got it all wrong when I thought I was right, deeming my ability to make judgment calls worthless (this is not to say I don’t want to be called out, just not before I’m settled on a decision, a luxury I can’t always afford.) 

As I read on, I realized there were some things going on that weren’t right in my understanding of the bible as well. I thought that giving sacrificially meant becoming a slave and not expecting anything in return. There’s a little more nuance to Christian giving than my barbarian-esque interpretation. I’m still struggling to fully flesh this out, but if you don’t take care of your car, it will break and you will be able to help no one. It’s the same with your own needs: just because you put them second to someone else’s doesn’t mean you toss them in the trash. You still have to tend to your own needs and goals in life, it just means that if the two conflict, then you may need to put someone else first. But don’t be like me and think you just need to make sure everyone else is happy without you getting any yourself. I’m planning a separate entry on this, so I’ll stop there for now. Just know if you aren’t happy, something needs to change. 

I also started realizing that I saw most of the people around me as perfect or superior to me, as if anyone could take me out if they so pleased. Growing up, our school basically taught us that girls were perfect little angels and that we boys were crude monsters. (the girls acted like it too, which didn’t help.) I have started looking back and seeing all the arrogance and self-centeredness everyone had. Sometimes certain problems fit together like puzzle pieces, and my own sense of insufficiency,  combined with the arrogance of some of the teachers and classmates around me really did just that. I have started reminding myself that every person, man or woman, is human-and humans are sinful and flawed equally. I’m not trying to say they’re worse or that I’m actually secretly better than everyone else. All I’m saying is that no one has the right to make themselves seem more mature or holy than anyone else. We all fall short of grace. Period. 

Oof, this turned into more of a rant than I had hoped. What I’m hoping you get out of this is that we sometimes have demons hiding in the closet that we don’t even realize are there. But I’m also aware that if you try to force a problem onto yourself, you create problems that aren’t there. So, I’m going to give you some action steps with some precautions: don’t take these too seriously. In all that I’m about to share, pray over what really sticks out to you. If you don’t have a problem, shake the dust off your hands and say “well, that was a nice story,” and have a nice day. Don’t give it a second thought if you don’t see a problem in yourself worth investigating. Think about these for yourself. 

Otherwise, here are some action steps I propose:

1 Listen to the stories of others who have had similar experiences to you. How does it feel, listening to their experiences? Jot down your thoughts.

2 Examine your fears and aversions. Every time you feel something pushing back against a decision, take some time to write down why. Again, don’t force it. If your answer seems to be “I just didn’t feel like getting up,” then leave it there. Same for your fears. They might be a wound left unhealed, but you might also just be scared of bees. Take a peek with an open mind and see what comes of it. 

3 Pray about it. I wasn’t looking for the dark secrets of my past when they found me. God brought them into my path and things started unfolding. God’s a big fan of healing and He wants to do a big work in you as well. You just have to let him. Go on and give Him a shot. What’s the worst that could happen?

4 Look at your goals. Have you been putting something off that you really want to do in life? My story started when I started chasing some of my own dreams. Sometimes what you really need to shed is something that is holding you back from your dreams. You may have to dig deeper for this one. Did you give up a dream years ago? What happened that caused you to quit? Is there something negative you started believing about yourself or others that brought you to this point? Take some time to look at this for yourself.

I pray this finds you well, and that I can pass on some insights into healing, as they have been granted to me. I pray you are blessed as I have blessed: beyond your wildest imagination!

Until next time

May Peace be your guide.