"Real Men Don't Cry"

As men, we hear this a lot: we say things like “suck it up!” and “show no tears! Real men don’t cry!” Nowadays, we have counter-sentiments. People are going around telling men to show their feelings, to be soft, weak and vulnerable. Am I the only one who is dissatisfied with both sides? On the one hand, we need someone in the house to be strong and sturdy. When life looks like it’s getting rough, we need someone to look to for peace. We need someone to be like a lighthouse in the storm, showing the family that things are actually alright, no matter how it may seem. On the other hand, bottling everything up is a battle we’re bound to lose. Eventually all those feelings come out and it usually gets ugly. It’s like a soda can that’s shaken up: it’s guaranteed to burst as soon as it gets the chance. 

So, what’s the middle ground? We can’t cry and we can’t not-cry. We may as well accept that we can’t win, right? WRONG! Don’t give up just yet, for I have a solution! My newfound motto is “real men don’t cry til the fight’s over.” As men, one of our superpowers is the ability to think clearly about what needs to be done when things get rough. When you put a man under pressure, his emotions tend to shut down and his brain tends to start working. We stay calm and handle the threat with the focus of a sniper. Why do you think action movies are geared towards us? Why else would the ever-so common story of a one-man army appeal to us? It’s the ability to handle a threat against all odds! No one to trust, no one who will slip up but you. I’m not going to lie, there are days where that seems appealing. 

But this puts us on a path of isolation. We lean towards the lonely road and pay the heavy price of playing the lone wolf. The lengths we take it to are unhealthy. Even grown men need friends, people around to support and strengthen each other as we reach for greatness. I know, for me, my greatest hurdle to chasing friendships is pride. I have gone as far as saying that I would rather be a little bit less competent, but do everything by myself than get a bunch of help and wind up better off for it. Pride feels good, folks. There’s something deep in our bones that feels right about not needing anyone. But I can feel a constant pressure when I know I’m going it alone. It’s a constant struggle. Everything is more difficult and more threatening. Every interaction is a fight and it wasn’t meant to be like that. 

I look at the life of Jesus as an example. He didn’t just hack it alone. He had twelve buddies he did his ministry with. Let that sink in: TWELVE buddies. Most men won’t even settle for one or two, but Jesus had TWELVE of them. Not only that, but try to count how many times the bible says that Jesus went off to pray to the Father. In John 5:19, Jesus even says He “can’t do anything by Himself, but can only do what the father does.” Talk about dependence! Nowadays, we are told to just hack it. Go it alone. It’s all on the individual. If you can’t carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, be a man and try harder.

But, like I said, I think there’s a nugget of truth to the sentiment. I grew up in a household without a man around and I can feel the difference that made. Kids especially need to have someone telling them to stay calm, to plot a course of action, and to take care of danger without sounding the alarm for the vulnerable. I am still quick to panic because my family didn’t have that presence. That’s why I know what we need: I know what we lacked. But once the situation is done, a man needs a support system. He needs to be able to go to an inner circle to recharge and fully recover from the battle. Men, we need to get better at swallowing our pride to ask for help. We need to be able to admit that we don’t have it all together. We need to learn to be vulnerable. We don’t need to wear it on our sleeves and become weak little lizards, but we need one or two good spaces to be able to let our guards down so we can recuperate. Ultimately, we will become stronger for it, if we can just learn to develop a few deeper friendships. 

My prayer for you is that God brings you some real friendships. I pray He brings people into your life that you can intentionally bring in closer. I pray you learn to become stronger through the bond with others and that you can swallow your pride to be vulnerable with those that need it most. I pray for everyone that reads these words, that you may be blessed

Until next time

May Peace be your guide.