#8 Repeating Patterns

Most, if not all, of our fears stem from bad experiences we had as kids. If you spend enough time exploring how your mind works, you will start to see repeating patterns and how all the dots connect. This may or may not be interesting to you in itself, but the reason I want to point this out is because the deeper the fear you conquer, the more problems it will resolve. I have moments walking through my everyday life, only to notice that a certain scenario no longer bothers me. Dealing with deep fears is like taking out an enemy stronghold. It has a massive ripple effect. It is the most efficient way to get rid of the fear gripping your life. 

So what does the process look like? Do we dig deep into our pasts to figure out what little things had a lasting, scarring impact? Yes and no. I think one good place to start is to sit down with those that knew you from your very early childhood. This could be your parents, grandparents, or anyone else that was around enough to have truly known you. Don’t just pick your neighbor, or one of the kids you used to play with all the time. You need someone that has observed your early developmental years. If you can’t find such a person, don’t sweat it. This is just a little bonus to help with the process. There are other ways to help you get to your roots. 

The biggest way is to continue learning how to dig deep into your everyday situations. What do you run towards? What do you run away from? What situations make you uncomfortable and why? Take each day to pick one event to dissect. Don’t push to dig deeper than the situation calls for, but get a good page or two out about what happened and your understanding of it. Eventually, you will learn to get a little bit deeper, and the patterns will start showing up. Then, one day, something huge will happen and it will provide you with a grand epiphany to help you deepen your self-understanding. 

Let me give you my own example. The job I do involves a lot of customer service work. I have been doing this type of thing for almost a year now, and I still dread every single call. I berate myself for every little interaction that doesn’t go perfectly. Every awkward moment, every “sorry, what were you saying?” Every interaction that produces even the slightest bit of discomfort sends me reeling into screaming pain in my head. Although it has gotten better over time, the feeling has never quite left me. That is, until today. 

Lately I have been easing into transparency, getting more comfortable with the fact that I don’t care to be everyone’s best buddy. I simply don’t have the time and energy for that. So as I sat there, scrambling to find a care to give for this person so that I don’t come across as rude, I realized something: I’m annoyed because I’m not fully in control of the person on the other end of this phone line! I quickly jotted that down and finished the call. After I got off, I explored it a little bit. Why do I feel the need to be “perfect” for this other person? What does perfect even look like? I quickly discovered that I didn’t care to have control over everyone, having them bring me grapes at my beckon call. What I discovered is that this was a defense mechanism. I wanted to be able to control others so that I could stop them from harming me. And while that goal is fine, I realized that the true solution is to be able to control myself to be able to escape danger when I need to. 

And since this isn’t my first day doing this level of reflection, I have to tell you that this is not the first time that this theme of control has cropped up in my life. Situations like this pop up all the time for me, and the more I address that theme, the less problems I have. Like I said, now situations that used to bother me don’t crop up at all because I’m not as much of a control freak as I used to be. I use myself as an example not to set myself on a pedestal, but to give you a concrete example of what this process looks like. But do remember: it will take you time to get here. Don’t expect yourself to see all the inner-workings of your mind overnight. Just keep at it, and you will find yourself free indeed. 

At the end of the day, this blueprint is a gift that keeps on giving. I don’t groan when I have another sheer-panic moment. I don’t sigh, reluctantly blocking off time to force myself to journal, treating it like a chore such as brushing my teeth or vacuuming the carpet. I wouldn’t say it’s an exciting feeling, but there is a peace to it. I am marching into better health, shedding the heavy weights that bind me. I hope you can come to see this process as just that: a shedding of excess weight that you don’t need to carry. We all have bad stuff that we carry around. That’s just how life is! But if you take the time to shed it, you will realize that you can do more than you could have ever imagined! Just taste and see how good life can be! You will find, as I once did, that it’s worth the effort. I pray this post has found you well, and that you learn to clean the roots of your soul from the toxic fear that pins you to the ground.

Until next time

May Peace be your guide.