The Heart of a Rockstar

Growing up, I got pretty involved in the rock/metal music scene. I know that I’m going to get some angry comments about lumping those two genres together, but that’s how it was for me back then. They were all part of one big lump that I turned into the mental space that I called home. To this day, I have a bit of a hard time going more than a few days without some good tunes, even if my allegiance isn’t always with electric guitars and screaming gutturals anymore. I guess it’s a way of life that has become a part of me. 

I think the one conversation that I had the most about music growing up was how it was affecting me. Beyond the whole “it makes me feel good” thing, there’s something else that I have been thinking about a lot lately: the lifestyle of a rockstar. Now, I was never one for the party life. I always thought I was in the clear because I said no to drugs, never had an interest in drinking, and always wanted to be in bed before midnight-even on the weekends! 

While it was true that I didn’t live the rockstar lifestyle, a sliver of the mindset found its way into my growing mind. Back in the day, everything I did had to be fun-all day, every day, all the time. Class had to be fun, homework had to be fun, and anything I did outside of school? Yep, you guessed it! It had to be fun. If it wasn’t fun, it was a dumb waste of time, and definitely not for me. 

At its worst, this mindset was an excuse to talk through class, or just not listen altogether. But at its best, it bled into a call to live a passionate life. I remember listening to “between angels and insects,” by Papa Roach, and getting all fired up to live by what excited me most. I figured once I stumbled upon that magic thing that I wanted to do with my life, I would fall in love with it and even the stuff I had to do wouldn’t be so bad. It wouldn’t feel like work, but play. 

Don’t get me wrong-fun is good and passion is even better! But relying on either of them isn’t my favorite card to play anymore. This year, I have been learning how to tough it out, and do stuff that you don’t want to in the name of a long-term goal. I learned it at work and I have seen this new skill pay off everywhere I go. Especially when it comes to writing. I love writing, but there are some great projects that would be fizzling right about now, if not for my newfound sense of discipline. 

And that’s something that I wish I had developed earlier: the ability to put my head down and do what I gotta do, even when it sucks. I don’t think a strong enough purpose and passion can override the undisciplined person you have become. If you can’t do what you gotta do when you gotta do it, you will eventually run into trouble, no matter how passionate you are. You might become a pretty good musician just by falling in love with the instrument, but I have learned that the best musicians have gone outside their comfort zone to learn new genres as well (especially jazz. Best drummers have played jazz at some point.) 

I think we have to be primed for our purpose. If we don’t become the kind of person who can carry the dream that we are given, we’ll just fizzle out. The dream will become too hard and too unrewarding. Eventually, we will either bury the dream in excuses and move on, or we’ll finally realize that getting to where we want to be involves a whole bunch of un-fun stuff. That’s part of what school’s for: to teach us how to stick to the plan, and to excel at it-even when it isn’t fun. 

The other part about having the heart of a rockstar was my obsession with excess. If something was good at first, then a lot of it was better. I still use this mindset to do silly things, like spend too much time in the sauna, or do too many push-ups at the gym. One of the funniest ones was my obsession with water. Yep, you read that right. I became obsessed with staying hydrated. It was never out of fear or anything, it was just something fun for me. Deep down, I was still a good kid. I just wanted an outlet for all my energy. Water was a harmless enough thing that I could go absolutely nuts, get a good laugh, and still be safe in the process. Granted, I say “safe” loosely, as I emptied a 64 oz cup every single class period for months! I won’t be surprised if that comes back to haunt me one day. 

I’m pretty proud of myself for putting in the effort to find ways to be both good and a maniac, all without joining any of the sports teams. It wasn’t an easy thing to do, but I pulled it off pretty well. Now, you might be asking, “is that really a rock thing, or just a teenage guy thing?” Honestly, I don’t know. But I definitely felt more amped up after a good session of Papa Roach, so maybe it’s both. Either way, that was me and I’d say I handled it pretty well. 

Sadly, very few things are that healthy in excess. I have learned some pretty goofy lessons over the years by trying to get a lot of a good thing. Thankfully, very few of them have been dangerously bad, but I have learned that there is a clear maximum on most things. Like the amount of protein that you can have for one meal. My record-I mean my limit-is one double-scoop protein shake, a cup of BCAA water (protein sport’s drink,) and two bowls of chili with cheese. Yeah, one of my “good” obsessions was protein. That night didn’t end well. 

The only silver lining is that I have gotten really tough from living with my mistakes. Learning the hard way is like being a ping-pong ball. You hit wall after wall, bouncing off til you get things right. Then you bounce around a few more times, because you weren’t actually sure why you got things right. Hitting the wall each time hurts, so you get used to hurting. Sometimes, people will tell me that my pain tolerance is nice and high. All I tell them is that the secret is to go out and be really, really, really dumb.That’s all there is to it.

The funny thing is that I don’t feel like it helped me get any wiser. I just got a little more scared. I knew who I was, and how disaster-prone I could be, so I got out less. I figured out what worked and I stuck to it. My comfort zone became my fortress, and to deviate from routine was to risk life itself. I guess I became afraid of my own inner fire, because I knew all too well that how badly I could burn myself with it.

I have started to learn how to say “no” to my impulses, but that those impulses have also been a great ally. One year, I read over 20 books from January to December! It was tiring, and I got a little burnt out, but it was cool. Being able to unleash the beast can make you do some crazy things. Some of it is good, some of it-not so much. But now, I’m a little more gracious too. When I find out that my obsessiveness has actually made things worse, I just laugh, marveling at the power I have to be able to cause this much damage. I find it flattering. 

The only other thing that I can say rock did for me was to kindle my heart for romance. Man, that’s putting it kindly. If you had asked teenage-me about that side of himself, he would have told you that he was nothing more than a teenage boy, awakening to the passions for life. Like my overall sense of obsessiveness, I learned to channel it into something positive. And by that, I mean I didn’t do anything too stupid. But it did mean that I walked around with the fresh stench of desperation, and I refused to shower it off. I still feel the urge to apologize to anyone who had to be within 100 miles of me back in those days. Honestly, I’m even a little embarrassed writing about it. 

I’m still right on the fence about this one. On the one hand, teenagers are going to have dating on their minds most of the time anyway. That’s inevitable, and the only ones that say they don’t are just lying. The drive to date is pretty strong and it can make us guys especially do pretty stupid things. I’m not going to say that I kept all the dumb under wraps, but I definitely kept a lot of the bad ideas from coming to life. And it was all because I had music to keep me grounded. I channeled all that energy into the songs I was listening to. I would vibe out to song after song, finding the perfect one for every single occasion. And that kept my head on straight when it came time to make decisions in the real world. 

On the other hand, listening to all that music never helped me focus on other things. It was like I had a beast locked in a cage, and I was feeding him massive steaks every day. I do sometimes wonder if I could have been different if I could have had some people around to explain things to me. I wasn’t unreasonable. I just wanted to actually understand stuff. I wasn’t going to take advice blindly. 

But I also had a lot of other stuff on my mind, so I can’t say I’m too upset with the choices I made. Sure, I know better now, but who doesn’t? Isn’t learning what mistakes you made and why a big part of growing up? It’s tempting to say something like “well, if I could go back and do it all again, I would do it differently.” Sure, but you only know better because you did it wrong the first time. You know better now, and there’s only two things you can do. The first is to try to be better than you were yesterday. The other is to teach others so that they can do better. Other than that, we have to let it go and forgive ourselves for not being perfect. 

So think of this as the journey that my mind has been through. I have changed a lot since my teenage rocker days, and I hope that shows. I hope that I’m a little more fun to be around, and that the stink of desperation has finally washed off. I’m still an obsessive-maniac, but now I channel it into healthier things, like writing.

And showers 

I pray that this has taught you a thing or two, and that you chuckled at least once at my shenanigans. Until Next Time

May Peace be your Guide.