#8 The Must

Ahh, one of the greatest joys of finding yourself in darkness: the must. Papa Roaches singer Jacoby Shaddix once wrote “sometimes you gotta leave everything to find out what you don’t want to leave behind.” I believe this to be absolute truth, clear as day. As life strikes us with wave after wave of high-octane chaos, we often lose our grip on our surroundings. Our jobs, our addresses, our rides-they all change. But every once in a while, something strikes a harmony within our spirits, and we say to ourselves “I’d rather die than lose this!” It’s this thing that becomes our lifeline, pulling us up from the darkness as we find our life’s direction. 

For me, that’s physical labor. Even when I took on a desk job, I found myself craving the hard physical work. At first, I thought it was just the momentum of exiting a high-stress field. “I’m used to working hard, I just can’t just pump the brakes all of a sudden!” I told myself. And although there were some personal issues that I had to work through, I never lost the love of working up a good sweat. After a while, I even got a gym membership. I’m better about not overcommitting to a good crash-and-burn, but it’s something that’s in my DNA: I just need to come home all worn out. 

I pray the journey to your “must” is more pleasant than mine. But however you find it, you have my guarantee that it’s worth it. When I first found mine, I was in between my third and fourth years of college. Everything in college is an intellectual pursuit, and although I enjoyed it, the work was definitely taxing. And while I do need constant reminding that I’m not intellectually lacking, a career path was anything but clear to me. I couldn’t seem to figure out where I wanted to work for the rest of my life, and I only had a year left to really figure it out (I know, it’s sad that I basically finished college and was still lost for a career. Guess it shows you what college is worth these days.) 

But then it hit me, slapped me across the face like a bucket of ice-cold water. “Screw this, I’m going to be a plumber!” I said to myself one day in a very matter-of-fact way. I just felt the call to physical labor. I felt relief, as I knew in my heart that I wanted to spend the rest of my life working up a sweat and coming home dog-tired. It’s rewarding for me. I remember all the days I used to spend on the beach digging trenches. I’d spend all day on these things just for the heck of it. Then I’d go home, knowing full well that the tide would wash away my glorious masterpiece. I didn’t care because I had fun digging it. 

I lost my way for a while, but my “must” returned with a burning vengeance at work the other day. I got an opportunity to do some of the heavy lifting, and all the forces of the office stood in my way. I felt a rage that burned with more ferocity than a thousand suns. But it not only burned with a scorching heat, but with an unshakeable firmness to it. Normally when one gets mad, the feeling flares up and dies out. Not this! This was the kind of feeling that said “my name is Sir Endar, lifter of heavy stuff. Stand in my way and I will show you no mercy, and you will regret ever crossing my path .” It was resolute, it stood its ground. It refused to be taken captive.

I had been arriving on the conclusion that I would be returning to heavy labor in due time, but was awaiting for something of a confirmation. And this, my friends, was it. As all these events have been replaying in my head, the narrative began to form: the angst from being stuck behind a desk, the aversion to 90% of my work. It was all because I demanded more, wanted to put my body through more, to have something to show for my hard day’s work. I was dissatisfied with what I was doing and felt a craving for something else. 

Sometimes you must wander into the deepest depths of darkness to find your “must.” You may feel lost, confused, irritable or alone in your search. Things might get just bleak enough that you find yourself hungry for more. “This can’t be all there is to life. There must be more than this bleak, never-ending gloom!” You’ll say to yourself. Then one day you’ll snap onto something, and you’ll feel like you’d rather die than go without it. Life will start making sense with it, and you’ll feel life return to your weary bones. It may feel different for everyone, but it will be the feeling of “ahh, this is it. I have arrived!” you will start to build your life around it, you’ll make time for it. If you’re lucky, you’ll even be able to make a career out of it. Either way, it will come to you in due time. 

If I had any advice to give to find your “must,” it’s to notice what you gravitate towards. You’ll naturally flock back towards something of its nature. When you have free time, what do you wind up doing? If you need to de-stress, where do you turn? If you were to look back on the day as your head hits the pillow, what do you regret not getting done? Similarly, what’s the one thing you look forward to doing when you have some time off? It may take some time and some wandering, but your “must” will come to you. And be prepared when it does, because life will most certainly take you places when you do. 

And it’s important to note, I’m not just talking about careers. It may be a hobby that you center your career around. It could be starting a family, a friend group, or anything else that really brings you to life. It’s whatever or whoever you can’t imagine living a life without. I hope this makes sense to you, and I pray that you find your “must.” I pray purpose finds you, and that you are ready for her almighty roar as she beckons you to ride on her back. I pray her adventure finds you, and that you find your path to a glorious, fulfilling life. 

Until next time

May Peace be your guide.