To be a man

What does it mean to be a man? What is the essential component of manhood that separates the males from the females? Growing up I got advice like “A man is he who follows God.” I like following God, but that’s not a good answer. Does that mean women don’t follow God? Sure, that’s what a good man does, but isn’t a bad man still a man nonetheless? Many men have their adages, their sayings and their slogans, but I believe it comes down to this: a man is the one who was made to be on the front lines. When dangers arise, the man is the one who needs to be out in front dealing with threats to the household. 

I like to look at things in terms of the animal kingdom. Although we stand far above it, we aren’t fully separate from it. Males of different species can often be found fighting amongst themselves, testing themselves to see who is the strongest. My guess is that they want the same thing we want: competence. They want to know they are capable of doing stuff, to prepare themselves for the day that danger stands in their way. I believe that deep down every man knows that threats will come. We want to be ready when those threats come knocking on our doors. We want to be able to look that threat in the eye and tell it to buzz off. Better yet, we want to be able to stop the danger before it enters our homes and takes our loved ones. We know, deep down, that we are the ones to snarl back when the wolves’ growl in the night. 

This might take many forms and may mean we have to be good at a whole bunch of things. But, at the end of the day,I have one thing that I focus on that encompasses them all. I have bound myself to the phrase “A measure of a man is the depth of his peace”. In other words, if you can keep calm when life gets rough, you have already won the battle. Everything else will fall into place afterwards. To me, this makes sense: if you can stay calm, good choices will start to come to you. It will be clearer to you what decision will work best, and what will produce the best outcome. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s an ideal I try to hold myself to at all times.

But how do you keep calm when everything feels like it’s falling apart? Sometimes it takes resourcefulness, using what I have at hand. If I can control it, I find comfort in what I wear or what I do in my free time. But the one thing that will never leave me is my breath. I have developed a fascination with the breath and how to use it to my benefit. Don’t worry, I won’t bore you with all of the details, but I will give you one piece of advice that has stuck with me: box breathing. In case you weren’t aware, box breathing is a way of breathing where you count in for four seconds, hold for your seconds, breath out for four seconds, then hold for four seconds. The count is the same on all four “sides,” hence the name. It is supposed to help you calm down and stay focused. 

Whenever I leave the house, I wear a watch. It looks pretty old school, with leather brown straps and hands that tick so loud, you can hear it in a crowded room. When I feel like I am starting to lose my cool, I use it to help me count the seconds in my breathing. You can easily speed through a count and miss the benefits of the exercise. You can also use music to help you count. Anything outside of yourself that makes sound consistently can help you count your breaths. I am not sure if there are benefits specific to counting to four, but I have noticed that the act of taking control is the benefit of the exercise. Once you control how you react to a situation, you can begin to control the situation itself. 

The other thing that has helped me get better at staying calm is journaling. Journaling isn’t rocket science, but it is backed by science. Journaling is an excellent way to get the stressors out of your head. Most of the time, I quickly jot down a few things at the end of the day. It isn’t usually anything deep or significant, I just write down the facts of the day. I often start with boring things like “today I woke up and ate breakfast. I accidentally ate my ramen a little raw. Oops.” Boring stuff, right? But what that does is help clear my head so that I can see the deeper things when they arise. Often, I will write down something that I reacted to and see that it ties to something deeper. The stronger the reaction, the more important it is that I look into it. 

I also do periods of “deep digging.” Similar to my daily journals, I will write down the facts of the past and see what still seems like it has an impact on me. I will spend time studying events gone by that I still feel strongly about. I look at why I still feel that way and see what I can do to fix it. I have often found that parts of my brain are stuck in the past and I need to remind myself that things are different now. Guys, I can’t tell you how different I am because I started writing everything down. My patience has grown tenfold because I have cleared up a lot of things from growing up. I haven’t cleared everything, I still have my flaws, but the growth is staggering. I want to encourage you to start getting your thoughts out somewhere, whether it’s having deeper conversations with a friend, blogging, journaling, or even vlogging, whatever works for you to get everything out. It will change your life. I have found my head far clearer when troubles come up. I often have moments where I think to myself “interesting, the old me would have blown a fuse by now!” I can see the results and I know you will too if you give it a try!

I believe staying calm is a pivotal component to manhood as a whole. In later entries, I want to go into the topic of being a good man, but I feel this is a good question to address as a starting point. I do believe we should all strive to be good men, but it tickled my brain to try to find that essential component that all men share, and how to turn it into something we could live up to. I hope this insight finds you well, and that you begin working on what methods work best for you to help keep yourself calm and under control. 

Until next time

May Peace be with you.