#7 When All hope is Lost

Do you ever feel like a fraud? Here I am, writing about positivity as it slips through my fingers. As this series has progressed, I feel like I have been losing ground. Life has been going from bad to worse and I can’t stop the downward spiral. Sometimes life hands you a riptide and everything you feel like you want to accomplish is flowing right against it. What do you do then? What do you do when rain strikes and finds a leak in your roof? When your inner defenses crumble and you’ve got nothing left, where do you turn?

First of all, stop for a second. How are you feeling? Defeated, sure, but more than that, you are feeling a little distressed, right? The fact that your shortcomings bother you is a sign that there is something more than defeat stirring inside of you. There’s something you yearn for. You’re upset about losing because you found something you wanted! A deep desire burns within, yearning for more strength to fight because you have found your cause. Something shouts from deep within “GIVE ME MORE STRENGTH!” Have you ever had this feeling? That feeling when you’re caught between victory and defeat, do you know it? 

So what do you do, when you’re bleeding for the dream and the world is standing in your way? If you’re anything like me, your gut reaction is to simply hack it. You grit your teeth, spit, and go to war, pushing forward no matter the pain. You reach any force of power that you can get your hands on, and you push. Anger, rage, caffeine, nothing is off-limits when you’re in the zone. But when you’re in this mindset, you’re a reckless time-bomb, slowly burning away the fuse til something blows up. Could there, perhaps, be a better way? The other alternative, it seems, is to quit. If you just gave up the cause, you’d be released from your prison. You could slap an adage on the situation. Something like “it wasn’t meant to be,” or “you can’t win them all.” And while both of those things can be true, there’s an inner monster that’s burning alive, and angrily so! It clings to life with such a fervor that it almost feels immortal. Could this feeling be telling you something? That you’d rather die than see this loss come to pass? You know that giving up is a crappy option, but it almost feels like the only thing to do some days. 

And thus, you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. And yet, it feels like everything leads to the same place: death. Destruction is at your door, blocking your path and there’s no other way around it. Where do you go? Who do you turn to? Dark is the night just before the dawn, and you don’t have a bloody clue how dawn could ever show up from something like this! You don’t want to scorch the earth, but when the Titanic is sinking, what can you do? 

Retreat is your first immediate step. Get as much space as you can manage. Call in sick to work, go for a drive, take a walk to the restroom if that’s all you can manage. Do whatever you must to seek shelter from the storm you’re going through. But you’re retreating, not surrendering. You’ve lost this battle, but what about the war? That’s what you’re there to decide: What’s your next move? 

And when darkness closes in, it gets rough. I get that. I’m in a dark spot right now too. Darkness is blinding. It’s thick, making you feel like you can’t walk through it. It almost feels like like you can’t get anywhere. Like you’ll never get anywhere. It reaches out and tells you that this is the end. I’m not necessarily talking about dying. It could be a predicament that really sucks, a really crappy breakup. It’s anything that feels like the new norm, like things will always be this way. Darkness strikes in many forms, and it feels like it never gets any easier. But all this time, I’ve been dancing in circles. “Oh, woe is me! This is the end of all things!” What about solutions? Are we to give up and let darkness have its day? I’m reminded of the Easter story. We all know the one: Jesus dies on the cross, lies in the grave for three days, then rises back up! We love to emphasize that last part, don’t we? I’m not trying to dump on the entire foundation of Christianity, but in recent years, I have begun to really zoom in on the entire process, particularly those three days beforehand. 

Can you imagine what that must have been like? Try to picture how the disciples felt. They didn’t have the end of the story like we do (though, some would argue they should have.) To them, this was game over. The last three years and all the hope that was building in their hearts went from a cross to a grave to oblivion. They didn’t know how long this darkness would last or how they would ever recover. I’m not sure I can even fathom how dark those three days must have felt! 

And yet, that last statement is a lie. I know exactly what “game over” feels like. I’ve been there a few times before in my life. I’ve spent enough time there that there’s a little cot with my name on it, along with a timestamp of my most recent visit. “Sir Endar was here on July 1st, 1781.” It reads. Ok, ok, I’m not that old! But the point is: I was there. And though I never thought I’d be back, but here I am! Yet in those moments, it’s like I’m sitting in a field on the fourth of july. I’m resting on the grass, a voice brushes past, in the gentle summer breeze. It whispers one thing that stills my soul:

“Just wait.” 

And before you know it, the fireworks begin! And it is the most glorious sight to ever behold the eyes of man! It’s so glorious that it far outshines the darkness that I was waiting through, almost to the point that I forget that it ever existed.

We all have our joyous Sundays, but we forget about them on our dark fridays. So when those moments arrive, pray. God might not change the friday. It might not look like things are getting any better, but that’s how the disciples felt. They were standing on the brink of the single greatest event in all of human history. And if that same conqueror is alive and well today, just imagine the glorious things that await you just beyond your darkest night. 

So when darkness closes in, and it’s choking you out, pray. There are many things I have doubted, but that God is alive and working, I can confidently say is not on the list. He will give you that assurance as well. All you need to do is ask for it. 

I pray this guides you to strength. Strength to endure the darkness, that hellish night that has befallen you. I pray for a way out for you, that you find some time to escape. And I pray that you make it through to see the glorious morning, as it shines radiant like the sun for all to see. You’ll get there. I promise. 

Until next time

May Peace be your guide.