Worrying Too Much

If there’s one thing that is true of me, it’s that I’m an excellent worrier. Tulio’s words echo in my head:

No, I worry just the right amount. You can never worry too much.

We all know those words are false, but my heart often disagrees. Deep down, it comes from a good place. It comes from my desire to be prepared; to have a plan–just like Tulio and his plans. I guess that part of me that wants to know the road ahead is overstepping his bounds. I long to know the whole road; to fix all the problems before they ever arise. On a certain level, I don’t think it’s a bad thing. After all, isn’t that what it means to be wise? Isn’t that the role of insight and understanding? 

On a certain level, yes. It’s good to foresee problems and to avoid pitfalls. It simply becomes problematic when it becomes an obsession. When every problem must be fixed; every mistake avoided. When your quality of life begins to wither away before your very eyes, you have a problem that needs to be solved. 

The scary part is the belief that can sneak in if we worry too much. We might begin to believe that we can’t actually make it. That success is just out of reach. That’s a problem. We might still convince ourselves to take the leaps from great heights, but your heart will always echo the words of a cynic:

Two pesetas says we can’t make it.

We can become trapped in our own worry; a prisoner to our fears. So often my worry has me fighting to push forward; rushing to solve this problem, and that one, and the next one, and the next one, until I burn out from the endless stream of problems that we are forced to call this life. That’s the problem: life always has more problems than I have energy. What do I do about that? Today, an idea struck me that just might work.

It dawned on me that maybe I ought to say that some things are problems for a later time. That the question of what I’ll do when I have to buy my next car is a concern for closer to the time. Sure, I can put some money away if I suspect the day might be coming, but the reality is that it hasn’t come yet. And it might not come for a while. I think some things I just have to tell myself I’ll deal with later.

But how do we decide which problems truly are later ones? What problems do we accept as issues for right now? After all, it kind of sounds like I’m promoting procrastination. Well, a procrastinator is something I am not! But maybe that’s the issue. Maybe that’s part of my problem: I don’t procrastinate enough. Don’t wing it enough. I don’t give the details enough time to fall into place as they need to. I want to have everything nailed down for the rest of my life.

That raises the question: if I could have everything nailed down, how would I feel? If life was perfectly predictable; almost as if I’m reliving it a second time, how would I feel about that? A part of me wants to believe that it’s human nature to want adventure. I’m inclined to believe that we want so much more than sterile little lives. But taming your life is very different from knowing what’s coming. Taming your life would be making sure you drive at all the right times in all the right lanes to make sure you never get in an accident. Foresight is knowing you’ll be crossing paths with a drunk driver who will wreck your brand-new Ferrari. You can know something bad is coming, but fail to prevent it all the same. That’s the difference between the two.

I often wonder if knowing how my story would end would truly change how I felt about it. I was watching a movie tonight that made me convinced that it might be alright. It was a movie I had seen before, but I loved it all the same. A particular scene still gripped me as it had before. I was swept away in the moment, despite knowing exactly how everything would play out. Maybe things would be alright if I knew what was coming, simply because the ride was good enough.

I think that’s the solution to most of our issues: we plan with some flexibility. We spend a bit, but save a bit as well because we don’t know when things will change. We prevent what can be prevented, and plan to have a few hiccups; plan for the car to break down every now and then, for the teeth to need fillings and the house to need fixing. We plan for the unplanned. And as far as those concerns that we are bringing up too soon, well, maybe we just need to ask ourselves if these things are really worth worrying about right now. Maybe they’re things that we can’t fix just yet. Are they really our problem right this minute? Or will there come more details to help solve the problem. Maybe the issue you’re obsessing over will somehow solve itself with the passage of time.

I also think there are issues we may never be able to fully prepare for. Situations that we may never feel ourselves ready to face. How do we come to terms with such an idea? How do we accept our own frailty? I used to think that God was the answer, but I don’t find such comforts anymore. “Just trust in Jesus and everything will be fine. He will be there for you.” I was always told those words over the years. For a time, I believed them. Now, I struggle to. I’ve gone back and forth with this problem for quite some time now, and I’m yet to truly find an answer. How can I march forward in life, knowing that the higher I climb, the lower I’ll fall? I know that God is the God of the lows, but He cuts it awful close sometimes. Too close for comfort, that is. 

I know He’s been there for every single one of my bad days. He was here for the first half of this year when life was pretty rotten. Maybe my problem is my own independence. I don’t like the idea of God taking me to a place that I can’t handle. 

By myself. 

All alone.

I want to be able to tackle the universe, to bear its weight by myself. I want to be truly independent when I know I can’t be. This irks me very deeply. I yearn for power, for true independence. But it’s a myth. A treasure that never truly satisfies, never truly finds itself within your grasp. The truth is that we’re all vulnerable; we’re all a little weak sometimes. It’s up to us to lean on others when we’re down, and to be able to be leaned on when someone else is there too. The bottom line is to embrace community, for together we become stronger than we could have ever imagined.

So plan well! Learn everything you can, becoming wise enough to avoid the dangers of the road set before you. But learn to truly live all the same, embracing your vulnerabilities as you learn to use them to connect with others.

Until Next Time

May Peace be your Guide.