WRITE!

When you look up the effects of a broken home, you see symptoms like an inability to focus, higher likelihood to get in trouble, and worse grades in school. I believe this is because of an emotional instability. There’s so much emotion in our heads from the lack of guidance that it gets in the way of our ability to do well in life. We get into trouble, get in fights, drink, and do all sorts of reckless things we shouldn't do just to keep ourselves sane. I believe there’s a better way, but part of it involves biting some of the bullets upfront so we can live more freely tomorrow. 

I believe everyone should write. I know people like to complain about how they don’t like it, so I’ll accept a verbal equivalent like talking to a friend or therapist; or even vlogging. It’s important to turn your thoughts and feelings into words and to process them. Even just the act of remembering the entire story of your life has some serious long-term effects. Ever since I started writing, my emotions have stabilized to an extent I didn’t think was possible! I started by writing down all the facts of my life. I told the story like a journalist. “This happened. Then this happened. Then this happened.” You don’t have to be a professional writer to journal, you just have to start doing it. 

I kept different parts in chunks, sort of like chapters. I told parts from time periods like “the seventh grade.” Other parts were based on the story, like “when Sir bartholomew betrayed me.” Whatever served me best to help get everything out of my head. When I was done with a section, I would highlight themes and things I still see in myself today. I would ask myself if it started there, or if I responded this way because of something else? I would ask myself what I would change, and explored some of the ways things could have been different. I explored what I did well, and weaknesses I saw in myself. And I stumbled upon one other thing that made all the difference in the world. I learned how to let go of the past. 

When we talk about letting go of the past, we tell people to “just let go,” and leave it there. That frustrates me. Sometimes that doesn’t work, and we beat our heads against the wall trying to move on. But as I was working through some of my own story, I heard a youtube video by Jordan Peterson that helped me understand the whole process. He explained that when you have a memory that is more than 18 months old that you still feel very strongly about, your brain starts to panic about it. In short, your brain tells you that you are stuck in a pattern. It wants you to know that this pattern will lead to your death, and sounds the alarm to remind you of this bad thing. He explained that the solution is to write down ways in which you have changed since that event. 

As an example, let’s say you accidentally touched a hot stove as a kid. For years you lived your life in fear of stoves (which is fair, and crock pots are superior anyway,) and haven’t cooked on one since that day. What your brain is telling you through this trauma is that you have a habit of touching things to see if they’re hot, and are at risk of doing serious harm to your hands. The way to overcome this is not to go touch another stove and see that it’s not that bad, but to look back at that day when it all began and compare it to today. Even something as simple as “I was a child then, but now I’m a grownup with the common sense to not go slap the stove!” Even just that will bring you great catharsis because you will be free of the fear of the memory.

The reason I share all of this with you is because it has drastically changed my life. The day I stopped being an absolute train wreck of a man was the day I started scribbling endlessly like a madman. I wrote over 100 pages telling, retelling, summarizing and analyzing my story. I can confidently say that every chapter, every page, every word and letter have been worth it. You might think to yourself “sure, but you like to write! I just don’t.” False! You don’t like to write yet! I spent many years trying to make it work before it finally clicked. But even if you only have a few minutes a week to jot a few things down, it is all going to pay off in the long run. 

One tip I recommend is mentally prep for a writing session. Tell yourself up to a week in advance that this time on this day will be for writing. Bribe yourself if you have to. Then grab a stopwatch (they’re free on google if you don’t own one) and write until for your allotted time. Even if it’s just five minutes a week, start somewhere. You’ll be surprised how easy it is to get started, and how much better you will feel when you really dig into this. I still have days where I can’t believe how calm I have become. I thank God for showing me the way to heal and for guiding me through this journey home. 

And if you are doing this specifically for the absence of a parent, let me share with you one of my biggest roadblocks: you don’t have to feel anything about the parent that wasn’t there. For a while I was digging and searching for some sort of feeling of hatred or disappointment in the dad that left. Truth is, I don’t feel much of anything at all. Maybe it will come later, I don’t know, but if you can’t find it, that’s ok. Focus on the things you can find like that time you flipped out and punched Jimmy in the face or cussed out your girlfriend for saying you smelled like an ogre. If you take a deep enough look at what you have, you can make enough headway to see massive changes. It won’t come all at once, but I promise it will change your life for the better. You won’t be disappointed. 

All this writing is like clearing out the trash from your room. It helps you see the furniture inside. It helps you see things a little clearer, like the fact that you’re insecure, or unsure of something. Or maybe it’s even simpler, like you have been working in a career field you truly can’t stand. It will give you the stillness of mind to see what ways you need to change your life to make it better. Maybe you have everything you need in life, but you just need to rearrange your priorities. Who knows, but you may as well find out!For today’s action steps, I don’t want to push you too hard. The bulk of the effort has to fall on you, so all I am going to recommend is that you start writing. Mentally prep for it if you don’t like doing it yet. Set up a time, a rhythm, or whatever works for you. Be reasonable about what you expect from yourself, and start going! Start writing down your story. Block it off into chapters that make sense for you, like “grades in school,” or “my fights with my brother.” Fiddle with the process and make it your own, but whatever you do: start! I recommend writing no matter how you feel, so that you can’t use anything as an excuse. You can evaluate in between writing sessions what you might want to tweak, but let nothing be an excuse not to write. This will change your life if you let it and I can guarantee it because it has changed my life more than I could have ever thought possible. 

Until next time

May peace be your guide.